Monday, August 23, 2010

SixSix's Douchebag Series: Bikers


I started writing for this wonderful site rather inconspicuously a few months ago when a couple of my random rants sent to a few friends would end up published here. Anyway, these rants have become legendary as does everything I do. Basically, I'm just trying to vent my frustrations about the world's biggest douchebags. It started with the Pussy Manifesto... the animal kingdom's douchebags. Now, its one thats near and dear to me... biker douchebags.

Bikers come in all shapes and sizes. There are the hipsters with their women's jeans rolled up casually, yet neatly above their shin. There's the casual rider. There's Lance Armonstrong who's one testicle deficit propelled him to international biking stardom. There there is the bike douche. Yes, that was purposely redundant. Because nearly all bikers you can encounter are douches. They are genetically predisposed to being totally fucking inept and dicks to everyone in their way. I think the Bike-Rider Advocate for certain mid-Atlantic metropolitan region said it best when he told me in a government meeting (and this is true) that bikers "are total pricks."

Take into account a recent encounter with two friendly bikers and sixsix. Driving down a unidentified highway in Virginia, I see two bikers hogging and entire lane of traffic. Making no effort to hug the side of the road. Moreover, this little shit stains apparently are unaware of the fact that there is an entire fucking road that runs adjacent to this very highway made just for bikes. That means no fucking cars threatening to end your chaffed-ass having life! SO GET THE FUCK ON THAT ROAD. Anyway, I breezed by them at a cool 50 mph (keeping my distance and cussing to myself about their ineptness). Sure enough, they had some choice words and gestures for me.

As luck would have it, I was pulling into to the local 7/11 to pick up my Sunday morning special (a bottle of Andre, Joose, Natty, and orange juice). They would soon be passing by, so I walked casually towards the 7/11 door and waited for them to pass and say one thing to me. Here is that exchange (edited to cut down on the swearing):
Woman Rider (about 50 years old): "Fuck you dick head, share the road asshole"
Sixsix: "Fuck me, get the fuck out of the road, this is a fucking highway, that's a fucking breakdown lane and the bike road is over there... fuck off bitch"
Male Rider (also about 50 years old): "Fucking asshole, share the road, this is the bike lane"
Sixsix: "You are fucking retarded, thats a fucking breakdown lane thats a foot and a half wide, there are no 'share the road signs' use the fucking bike lane"
Woman Rider: "Fuck you fatass" (side note: whoa! Fatass? I'm sorry, please refer to our post and my thoughts on exercise before calling me a fatass... I'm in peak physical shape... I'm a specimen of human perfection... sorry I don't need to bike when I'm hungover as shit at 10AM on a Sunday morning)
Sixsix: "You are a fucking worthless old bitch, get the fuck out of traffic and stay out of everyone's way, you piece of shit."

That's a true exchange. If I'm lying, I'm crying and I ain't shed a tear. Fucking twunts don't have a goddamn ounce brain. The best part of these miserable cum dumpsters is that natural selection will soon take over and these pieces of shit will join their flattened rat cousins on the side of the road. Anyway, I have a million of exchanges just like this between these degenerate bike riders and myself. But, its not about me. Its about their whole outlook on life. Pedestrian on a sidewalk? Get the fuck out of my way! Car on a highway? Get the fuck out of this lane, this is my fucking lane! Fellow biker? How many miles did you ride today? 25? Oh, I biked 26, no big deal. FUCK YOU!

Nevermind that they might be commuting to work on their $3000 bike with $500 worth of gear on and $350 worth of lights. Do they realize how many lapdances that can buy you? Nevermind beer? Hell, I can probably by the love of a woman with that much money? Then, you will see them driving around in their 1988 Honda Accord with a 'save the planet' sticker while their own car sucks in gasoline like a cat sucks in air before a wicked hairball. These people are the shit of the planet. They are worse than people from Jersey, worse than the french, worse than Canadians. So, next time you see someone with a piece of rubber shoved up their ass moving their legs feverishly in a non-bedroom setting, feel free to throw a stick between their spokes and be on your merry way.

-sixsix


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