Tuesday, August 31, 2010

People who Shouldn't Rap Showdown: Who ya Got?


Ok... so lets just pretend that Justin Bieber isn't from Canada. Let's not pretend that 'Justin' is a guys name. Let's pretend that he is a talented guy from America and not a talentless girl from Canada. I still gotta give the edge to my girl T-Sweezy. First off, its Taylor Swift. Period. Girl's been wrecking the flow since day Tear Drops on My Guitar. Second, at least her shit is original. Anyone can take music from Wu Tang and Kanye, fake an female orgasm into the mic and call it music. Game. Set. Match. Taylor.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Zombie Fungus Can Control Ants; Scientists furiously looking for Human Connection

The Guardian - The finding shows that parasitic fungi evolved the ability to control the creatures they infect in the distant past, even before the rise of the Himalayas.

The fungus, which is alive and well in forests today, latches on to carpenter ants as they cross the forest floor before returning to their nests high in the canopy.

So, this just came through the wire that a zombie fungus is controlling ants and we should all watch out. Yada Yada Yada! I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times nobody cares about zombie ants. This is not news. What is news is the potential for men to have a whole new excuse to do whatever we want! If scientists can find a human connection for this fungus, then we can be off the hook for anything.

Why are you sleeping around on me? What are you talking about woman? I didn't do that, the zombie fungus slept with the 19 year old neighbor. The zombie fungus killed that prostitute. The zombie fungus through a coup in Haiti and installed the rightful leader, Wyclef. The possibilities are endless and we should all be excited.

PS... If I have one person bitch to me about the goddamn zombie apocalypse again, I'm gonna lose it. No, it isn't real you little fruitcakes. It's not gonna happen. Even if it did, who the hell cares... they're fucking boring ass zombies. It would finally give me an excuse to take a road trip to California looking for twinkies. Then when we get there, I get to hunker down with my boy Woody at an amusement park and taking shooting practice all day then ride the rides for free. Laser show.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Great Advice is Hard to Come By

This is the classic, 'ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer' scenario. Betcha this lady didn't have gas in her car. You know, ever since we started letting women protest, peacefully assemble and speak.... its been nothing but bad news. First we let them complain, then vote, then work with us for competitive wages and now they can drive?!? Next thing you know they'd be bitching about how I can't sleep with my 19 year old slampiece neighbor.

You thought by marrying me at 22 that I'd be hanging up my cock for good? Think again sweetie. Why, you ask? To quote the great wordsmith, Sir Kid Rock, because she's half your age and twice as hot. This advice guy is just sticking up for his fellow bro. It's guy code. Because there are so few truths in this world: The Yankees will always suck, Beer is always good best cold, whiskey is meant to be ordered in five-finger increments, women shouldn't drive, and a man will always hide his bro's affairs with neighbors. 'Nuff said.

PS... "Men shouldn't write advice columns?" Sure, we shouldn't; let's just spend our time writing facts and advancing civilization, as we've done for thousands of years. Enjoy your extra-x chromosome ladies, now make me a sandwich.


Monday, August 23, 2010

SixSix's Douchebag Series: Bikers

I started writing for this wonderful site rather inconspicuously a few months ago when a couple of my random rants sent to a few friends would end up published here. Anyway, these rants have become legendary as does everything I do. Basically, I'm just trying to vent my frustrations about the world's biggest douchebags. It started with the Pussy Manifesto... the animal kingdom's douchebags. Now, its one thats near and dear to me... biker douchebags.

Bikers come in all shapes and sizes. There are the hipsters with their women's jeans rolled up casually, yet neatly above their shin. There's the casual rider. There's Lance Armonstrong who's one testicle deficit propelled him to international biking stardom. There there is the bike douche. Yes, that was purposely redundant. Because nearly all bikers you can encounter are douches. They are genetically predisposed to being totally fucking inept and dicks to everyone in their way. I think the Bike-Rider Advocate for certain mid-Atlantic metropolitan region said it best when he told me in a government meeting (and this is true) that bikers "are total pricks."

Take into account a recent encounter with two friendly bikers and sixsix. Driving down a unidentified highway in Virginia, I see two bikers hogging and entire lane of traffic. Making no effort to hug the side of the road. Moreover, this little shit stains apparently are unaware of the fact that there is an entire fucking road that runs adjacent to this very highway made just for bikes. That means no fucking cars threatening to end your chaffed-ass having life! SO GET THE FUCK ON THAT ROAD. Anyway, I breezed by them at a cool 50 mph (keeping my distance and cussing to myself about their ineptness). Sure enough, they had some choice words and gestures for me.

As luck would have it, I was pulling into to the local 7/11 to pick up my Sunday morning special (a bottle of Andre, Joose, Natty, and orange juice). They would soon be passing by, so I walked casually towards the 7/11 door and waited for them to pass and say one thing to me. Here is that exchange (edited to cut down on the swearing):
Woman Rider (about 50 years old): "Fuck you dick head, share the road asshole"
Sixsix: "Fuck me, get the fuck out of the road, this is a fucking highway, that's a fucking breakdown lane and the bike road is over there... fuck off bitch"
Male Rider (also about 50 years old): "Fucking asshole, share the road, this is the bike lane"
Sixsix: "You are fucking retarded, thats a fucking breakdown lane thats a foot and a half wide, there are no 'share the road signs' use the fucking bike lane"
Woman Rider: "Fuck you fatass" (side note: whoa! Fatass? I'm sorry, please refer to our post and my thoughts on exercise before calling me a fatass... I'm in peak physical shape... I'm a specimen of human perfection... sorry I don't need to bike when I'm hungover as shit at 10AM on a Sunday morning)
Sixsix: "You are a fucking worthless old bitch, get the fuck out of traffic and stay out of everyone's way, you piece of shit."

That's a true exchange. If I'm lying, I'm crying and I ain't shed a tear. Fucking twunts don't have a goddamn ounce brain. The best part of these miserable cum dumpsters is that natural selection will soon take over and these pieces of shit will join their flattened rat cousins on the side of the road. Anyway, I have a million of exchanges just like this between these degenerate bike riders and myself. But, its not about me. Its about their whole outlook on life. Pedestrian on a sidewalk? Get the fuck out of my way! Car on a highway? Get the fuck out of this lane, this is my fucking lane! Fellow biker? How many miles did you ride today? 25? Oh, I biked 26, no big deal. FUCK YOU!

Nevermind that they might be commuting to work on their $3000 bike with $500 worth of gear on and $350 worth of lights. Do they realize how many lapdances that can buy you? Nevermind beer? Hell, I can probably by the love of a woman with that much money? Then, you will see them driving around in their 1988 Honda Accord with a 'save the planet' sticker while their own car sucks in gasoline like a cat sucks in air before a wicked hairball. These people are the shit of the planet. They are worse than people from Jersey, worse than the french, worse than Canadians. So, next time you see someone with a piece of rubber shoved up their ass moving their legs feverishly in a non-bedroom setting, feel free to throw a stick between their spokes and be on your merry way.


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The Bridge to Hawaii

One of those witty email chain jokes:

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Rate This Bar Tab... Iron Maidon Takes Norway by Storm

Ok, now this is a party! First off, it's Finnegan's Irish Pub in Norway, which everyone knows is the cheapest bar in the Arctic Circle. Bonus points for that. Looking down this delicious menu, you can't help wonder... are these guys American? Jack Daniels, Peachtree, Coke, Jager??? All American stuff. Well done.

Then it gets weird with the Polly Peanbitters and Slippery Nipples. But, I guess you have to assume that those were for the prude bitches that wouldn't put out for the rock stars. Where are you now, whores?

All I can say, is that at least this is in Euro's and not real money. Because that is one hefty tab, even for rock stars. I give this bar tab a 7.5 out of 10 on the Alcoholics Scale: friends are really concerned, but most of them think that first DUI was a fluke and that he was set up on the second. Not bad.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A Story As Old As Time: Concert Madness

It started off like every other Sunday morning: hungover. After farting around for most of the morning and afternoon, my best bro (Unapologetic in DC) and I (the sixsix), jump in Bro-Blazer and head to the day's main event: Tom Petty preceded by Crosby, Stills, and Nash.I know what you're thinking: why would you waste your money to watch a couple geriatrics mess up some classic guitar rock tunes? It's simple: this very concert represents the nexus of Cougardom. Like flies to shit they gather; and we too must follow.

With the standard concert accoutrement- beer, Joose, hookah, shot glasses, lack of social couth or any sense of limitations, etc.- we begin the party. Tailgate open, a cool breeze hastens the coming twilight as we begin our power hour. Now, I know what you are thinking, and the answer is yes... the Joose was used during the power hour. As the 'gate wraps up and last night's hangover begins to recede, we make our way towards our seats (lawn, naturally).

Before climbing the Everest that is the Jiffy Lube Pavilion, we are sure to hydrate with tall boys of Icehouse and Miller Lite. And what a sight it is when we finally reach that dastardly summit. I don't know what it is about a concert that literally attracts the most incredibly bizarre freakshows the region has to offer, but sure as night is day and Doogie Howser's gay, the concert is a literal who's who of Northern Virginia's stomach-churning excuses for humanity. It is pure, unadulterated beauty.

We find our seats next to some kindly cougars and an off-puttingly large mess of a mammal, who, for the sake of anonymity we'll call Sally Struthers. Sally is your classic urban redneck. You know the type... the one with the jorts that travel to just south of their sternum and that barely hold in the excess gallons of oozing, white flesh. She has on a black Crosby, Stills, and Nash shirt and big black leather boots riding up to her translucent knees. Lip-syncing every word to every CSN song, her beautiful mullet glistens in the early-August twilight. And yes, this horse's mane resembles a Polish mullet, perfectly stylized. WHITE-collar business in the front, freakshow party in the back. Tied together with perfectly apportioned blond streaks. Needless to say, this wildebeest of a woman provided nearly endless entertainment for the length of the concert.

Despite a solid parking lot effort to catch a buzz, we knew what had to be done: more brewdogs. We start crushing on man-size Icehouses and Miller Lites like it's going out of style. Soon, CSN finished their set and the sweet squawking of Tom Petty begins.

Somewhere in between, "I Won't Back Down" and "Free Fallin'" a delightful cougar (45 years old-ish) approaches Unapologetic and asks "How old are you?"

"Twenty something," he responds. To which, the cougar, pointing to his hands says, "Old enough to drink beer, young enough to wear
Silly Bands."

"You bet your sweat ass," I chime in, "one for every slampiece he's bagged."

The cougar,
who we'll call Demi for this story, is immediately impressed. She's on the prowl and the hunt is on.

The sun is down. After a few more casual encounters, Demi returns with her friend... we'll call her Agatha. The dancing begins. Now, if you know anything about sixsix, it's this: I'm an incredible dancer. I've been called the male version of Adam Sevani. It's true. I'm also dressed in the finest clothes Vineyard Vines could provide. Simply put, I'm incredible. And so is Unapologetic. He's adorned himself with paint-stained shorts and a simple navy blue polo that scream "I don't give a fuck." He's a stunning specimen like myself. Point is, it's only natural that these women have Niagara falls running between their legs just from sitting in the same section as us. Perfectly understandable.

More brewdogs. The dance party is on. Demi, is admittedly more attractive than Agatha. And it just works out that she goes with Unapologetic and I got Agatha. Shit. She's dancing up a storm in front of me as I gradually step back, keeping cock's distance away. Demi is grinding on Unapologetic at this point. I know my role: don't blow this for Unapologetic. It's rare that this situation presents itself. A cougar hookup is a delicate ecosystem and must be maintained with the utmost care. I'm the wingman. Fair enough. But that doesn't mean, I'm going to lose all dignity. I still have a little bit of that, right? It may be hanging on like Leo to a wooden plank in the North Atlantic, but it's there. And I'm going to avoid all contact with this grenade if it's the last thing I do. I'm barely sober enough to know that I don't want any of this creature. I let her grind as the tonsil hockey begins between Demi and Unapologetic. Still, my hands were in the air. I wanted there to be no mistaking that I was taking this for the team.

Freeze Frame. Look over to the right. A completely random couple plops themselves down next to us and start fucking. Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl... quick wipe up... and they're gone.

Back to the action on the field. The dancing, the grinding, the scene continues. That's when it happens. I feel something creeping down behind my belt. Going further south than James Cook, she grabs hold of the sixsix python and begin working. Not gonna lie, without a lot of space in the yellow shorts, she knew how to really work. Impressive for someone, who (and I base this purely on looks) did not have a lot of practice. Then we kiss, and it was gross. She was terrible. Ugh. Just as I'm ready to finish up in the South Pole... the concert ends and that inconsiderate bitch pulls her hand out and starts clapping. You fucking whore! Don't you know the show is down here! I'll tell you when to clap. Rather, you will know when to clap, trust me.

Then it ends, just as quickly and abrasively as it began, our dignity just barely intact and with blue balls to boot. We pace towards the car. And by pace, I mean stumble over everything and everyone in our way. Following a solid post-concert 'gate with a quick hookah side sesh, we drive our drunk asses home. God, I love concerts.

UPDATE: The following morning Demi Facebook friended Unapologetic (the desperate bitch) and it turns out she's... wait for it... MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. Game, set, match. Dignity restored, Brodom elevated to new heights. The saga continues...

Friday, August 13, 2010

Times Square to Hold Tongue Orgy Commemorating End of WWII

NEW YORK (Reuters) – Americans will gather for a group "kiss-in" in Times Square and buglers across the country will play the military funeral tune "Taps" on Saturday in the first national day of remembrance for the World War Two generation.

This year's event comes on the 65th anniversary of what Americans call V-J Day, marking the victory over Japan that ended the war in 1945.

That's right folks, y'all remember World War II. When the Germans attacked Pearl Harbor and we proceeded to kick their Japanese asses all across the globe? It was an ass kicking of epic proportions. We defeated literally every great military force in the entire world in a matter of 4 years. No one was more badass than the soldiers that fought in that. After impregnating their slampieces and tongue raping them before they got on the boat, our Grandpa's went off to fight dickholes around the planet who killed people by the millions. Fucking millions! Then, they came back home and banged the crap out of their wives again to the tune of eight kids apiece. Not a sterile one in the bunch!

To commemorate their infinite and everlasting Brodom, there will be a massive tongue orgy in Times Square, where thousands of people will gather to kiss each other just like they did back in the old days. Bully!!! This is gonna be more fun than throwing hot dogs at Rosie O'Donnell! Except, we won't have many of the soldiers that did the original tongue raping. They have either passed on or are sitting on their porches asking the paper boy to fish a tip out of his pocket. Sure there is a hole cut into the pocket and no tip, but who cares? Don't fucking judge him though... he shed blood for our country so he can do what he damn well wants!

Anyway, if you can't make it to Times Square for this glorious event, be sure to celebrate elsewhere. Maybe you'rr with your slampiece or you're at the bar and you pull out a great new pickup line... "I'm gonna kiss you like its V-J Day." Little do they know that means that they will be popping out eight kids in no time. 'Cause nothing says Brodom like potent swimmers and neglecting fathers.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

BrosLikeThisSite Gives SFP A Shout-Out... Sort Of

Happy Thursday everyone! Do you feel that? It's the hangover from your usual Wednesday night bender. Most people complain about their hangovers. This is wrong. Be proud, because it's a sign of how unapologetic you are. Keep partying 7 days a week and wear your hangovers as a badge of honor.

Anyway... I was perusing one of my favorite sites on the internet this morning, BrosLikeThisSite, when I came across the newest post: #130 Drinking Beer Fast. As usual, the commentary was was spot on and hilarious. The site's author, Ned's Younger Brother, is a genius social commentator and as unapologetic a Bro as any. And in this case, his topic of conversation focused on a creation of the Sorry for Partying crew: Long Bong Silver. The more avid readers of this blog will recall from a post last August, that LBS is a 3-story beer bong that we built in our quest to push the envelop of physics and partying. It's been descibed as a "a two-person thrill ride that dispenses beer like a fire hose."

Many of you might be skeptical right now, "but guys, how could NYB possibly know about YOUR beer bong? Isn't he busy ruling the Realm of Brodom and banging slampieces?" He is. But what many of you may not know, is that NYB is based right here in Arlington... just like the Sorry for Partying crew. So has NYB experienced LBS? You bet your sweet ass. Dominated that bitch and asked for seconds. Just like 'Bron and Bosh went to Miami to team up with D-Wade, the great partyers of Arlington gravitate and gather under the banner of SFP.

So boom, there you have it: one of the most widely-read and respected Bro-oriented sites on the internet giving a shout-out (sort of) to one of the little guys. The unapologetic attitude is everywhere; it's infectious and it's spreading. If you're not on the Sorry for Partying train, you might as well spend the rest of your days on earth worrying about your 401K balances, wearing fat-ass Docker pants, and driving a Volvo. And you sure as shit shouldn't read this blog or BrosLikeThisSite anymore. Just ask Ned's Younger Brother.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Am I Really the Only One Who Puked When This Montana Fishburne Story Broke?

I can't be the only one here who is utterly repulsed by this thing, right? I just cant be. Montana Fishburne, in case you've been living under your parents bed for the past few weeks, is going to be starring in a porn film after being a prostitute for a while. Not crazy news, everybody does that. What is gross, is that she looks just like her dad, Laurence Fishburne. Hmmm, Larry Fishburne is a awkwardly faced individual... what would he look like as a girl? Montana? FUCK NO! If I made a list of the last things I would want to think of, never mind look at whilst taking the Midnight Express to Pound Town, it would be Morpheus's hideously deformed mug.

Anyway, other than being completely disgusted by this thing, I am almost more disgusted that America didn't have a collective "oh my god, I just puked in my mouth" moment. So, the first person to bag this hideous creature (by that I mean throw a trash bag over her head and hold firmly), will get a free t-shirt courtesy of six six. So, clean that puke off your keyboard and get out there. Let's get this done.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Ball Hits Bitchy Girlfriend, Boyfriend Keeps Souvenir

So you are sitting at the game, trying to watch your miserable Astro's fail... again. And your girlfriend is sitting next to you bitching about how she's afraid she is gonna get drilled by a foul ball. Well karma is a bitch, honey, because here comes the closest thing to a home run Houston has seen in weeks- and it's coming right for your precious little arm.

Boyfriends blasts out of his seat, says "Fuck this Noise," and bolts. Not only that, he retrieves the ball and keeps it. Bravo, sir! Bravo. Make sure she knows who boss in this relationship. Just when she thinks she can get away with bitching during the ball game... God comes down and blasts a karma load all over her. Let this be a lesson to all the ladies out there.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Flight Attendant is Not Sorry

NBC - A flight attendant ran out of patience on a plane that just landed at JFK on Monday afternoon, so he allegedly cursed a blue streak over the p.a. system, grabbed some beers, pulled the emergency chute, slid down and ran from the plane, sources said....

...Following a heated exchange, the flight attendant told off the entire plane on the public address system, activated an emergency chute near the back of the plane and jumped down the evacuation slide and ran for it.

See, not all flight attendants are weirdos who like to lean over you to get their rocks off. Some are just bro's. And this gentleman certainly is a bro. Having a bad day dealing with dickhole customers? What better way to cure those blues than to grab a couple brewdogs, yell at all the passengers, pull the emergency chute and bolt?

I want to party with this dude. Want to get your luggage early, bitch? No! Sit the fuck down, we're still fucking taxiing. Oh, you gotta problem with that, I'm fucking outta here. But before I go I'm taking a couple road beers. Still got issues? Next time... I'm taking the fucking captain too. Pour one out to this great American. Scarface.... tell 'em how it is!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Lookie Here, Butthorns

That, my friends is a reference to one of the greatest movies ever made. Bulletproof starring THE Gary Busey. Love interest, yes? Main character, yes? Too good to be true, YES.

I want some fan interaction and I want it now. Yes, this is a rallying cry for all unapologetic partiers out there. Yes, I know you're out there. Yes, I know we've been slacking for a little while. Yes, I know you may be wondering where this rash of incredible posts have been coming from? Where is not the question. The question is why. The answer? A rejuvenated belief in what we believe in. Yes, that is a sentence that ends in a preposition, get the FUCK used to it.

If you are reading this, you know me. You know us. We are unapologetic revelers in life. Maybe we're in school. Maybe we're in the real world. Maybe we don't know what we are. I can't promise that seven to ten new posts will appear every day. I can promise that this is le premier jour du reste de ta vie. (google translate that shit). So what? So, let's dance!

Take this as our unapologetic manifesto. Take this is a plea to our readers. Take this as the rallying cry for a nation that we know exists. But, make no mistake about this... be sure you take this as a beginning of a new age of unapologetic partying. Got a great story? Email us at notsorryforpartying@gmail.com. Comment on our shitty posts. Follow us on Twitter at @NotSFP. Above all, support the lifestyle that we live daily. This is your lifestlye. You know you want to live it. Now do it.

What do we promise? We promise to bring our best. Every post. Every day. We need you in return, though. That's all for now. See you in the showers.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

July Tweets

All the NotSFP tweets from July:

@jaeDC I'm gonna run train on your internal organs this weekend and make you sooooo sorry. #NotSorryForPartying
10:25 AM Jul 1st
Most expensive #SFP move ever, broker trades $520mil of oil futures to raise int'l prices while blackout drunk: http://nyti.ms/aYbsu7 @jaeDC
10:31 AM Jul 1st@danieltosh puts an end to #brosicingbros with one fell swoop: http://bit.ly/auD4o9 #SFP10:34 AM Jul 1st
There's just something horribly wrong with this and I can't quite place my finger on it: http://bit.ly/9D3epb Thanks @johnjvoci #goo #SFP11:29 AM Jul 1st
Tiger's assets well north of $1bil + extensive infidelities = $750mil settlement for Elin: http://bit.ly/bZcjab Was it worth it, Tiger? #SFP11:37 AM Jul 1st
19-year-old steals bus and drives regular route... then crashes: http://bit.ly/ctkBRx @DCistUpdates @sbenkov @johnjvoci #grandtheftbus #SFP1:13 PM Jul 13th
MTV is bringing back Beavis and Butthead: http://bit.ly/dr3Qv6 ...and possibly away from awful programming? #Rejoice #SFP3:31 PM Jul 15th
Australia goes on an all-night bender, blacks out, wakes up in North Atlantic upside down: http://bit.ly/mi1aV @johnjvoci @aram1nta #SFP3:39 PM Jul 15th
Finally! The reason we can't win in Afghanistan... wait for it... jihadist monkeys: http://bit.ly/ba2PIx #fuckingmonkeys #SFP4:00 PM Jul 15th
How to tell is your evil cat is plotting to kill you: http://www.catswhothrowupgrass.com/kill.php @johnjvoci #SFP4:59 PM Jul 19th
Combining taxidermy and alcohol gives you quite possibly the coolest (and most expensive) beer ever: http://bit.ly/9Mb123 @kelmcdowell #SFP3:14 PM Jul 23rd
@WSJ Partiers invent "Floatopia" to avoid San Diego's no-booze-on-the-beach laws: http://bit.ly/9Xv4Dq Sorry for Partying... and floating3:23 PM Jul 26th
RT@johnjvoci even a hipster dog is cooler than a cat http://bit.ly/cCOAdI1:56 PM Jul 27th

RELENTLESS PURSUIT intro... Awesomeness: http://tinyurl.com/25qsytn2:03 PM Jul 27th
Finger in butt crack sparks knife fight: http://bit.ly/cpqkxv Umm, it's called swiping the credit card. @sbenkov @johnjvoci #SFP2:40 PM Jul 27th
Exercising while intoxicated: dude drinks 13 beers during San Fran Half Marathon and reflects on his experience: http://bit.ly/dcFIUl #SFP2:11 PM Jul 28th
Congress narrows gap in cocaine penalties, crackheads everywhere rejoice: http://bit.ly/cyUv3b #eliminatemandatoryminimumsentencing #SFP3:18 PM Jul 28th
@vineyard_vines First I'll put on a VV shirt & shorts & my croakies, at night, in NYC, so everyone will know I'm awesome and then I'll blackout9:48 AM Jul 30th
United We Stand (as men)... because we have no choice: http://imgur.com/2mvgV @jaeDC @BroBible #sotrue #SFP12:09 PM Jul 30th
UPDATE: Phillie puker gets 30-90 days in jail, 2 years probation: http://es.pn/bBaSir @epgoodwinjr #TypicalPhilliePhan #SFP
1:50 PM Jul 30th

Wyclef Jean for President? Turn Up My Symphony Man!

(CNN) -- Six years ago, hip hop icon Wyclef Jean released a soulful tune called "President," in which he fantasized about what it would be like to lead a country.

That fantasy may come closer to reality when the Haitian-American recording artist announces exclusively on CNN's "Larry King Live" that he intends to run for president of Haiti.
Big news today folks. Basically, if you happen to be watching the Skeletor program tonight, you might be catching some pretty exciting news: Wyclef Jean is running for President of Haiti. I say go for it. The president's shanty/mansion will turn into Suzy's Rendezvous, with strippers falling through the cracks in the floor. It's gonna be great.

Why's he gonna do this? Isn't it obvious? After the Earthquake he started throwing money at it. Ten grand? The earth was still shaking like it ain't got no bones. Twenty grand? Still seeing a lot of skin. Thirty grand? Highest bidder... but still Chris Rock said no sex on scorched earth. Forty grand? That's when 'Clef saw tears rolling down Haiti. The kinda tears that money couldn't buy. That's when he knew that he needed to step up and be their leader.

So good luck Wyclef! You know we're rooting for you. Maybe you can have the Artist-Formerly-Known-as-Port-au-Prince be your campaign manager.


(Yes, that post felt dirty and wrong... please don't sue 'Clef, I love you man).

Oregon Trail the Movie? Yes Please.

I don't care if this is real or fake... get me this fucking movie! Sure, it needs a little polish. First, Daniel Day Lewis is the obvious and only choice for the lead, with Ben Affleck directing. Yes, directing. Playing his whiny bitch wife should be Renee Zellweger. She can pull that off, easy. Also, other parts should be handed out to Corey Haim (so what if he's dead... bring him back!), John C. Reilly, and basically the entire cast of the 1986 classic 'Malibu Bikini Shop' (yeah Bruce Greenwood!).

If you are anything like me, you know that Oregon Trail is the greatest video game of all time. You got to kill animals, be a baller and buy a raft so your oxen don't drown, etc. And what was your prize? You got to go to Oregon! Fuck man! Oregon! Are you shitting me?!? How could this get any better? Oh yeah, we make a fucking movie out of this. You bet your sweet ass we're doing it.

P.S. On a side note... Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zero's on the soundtrack? Yes please. Because nothing says unapologetic partying like guiltily listening to hipster music. (Fuck you hipsters... like your music, like PBR... but FUCK you! More on you shit stains later).


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Scrooge McDuck... Foiled Again

I was casually checking out my collection of first edition Scrooge McDuck comics tonight slash reading 'WWTDD' and came across something troublingly familiar. If you are like me, you have heard of this movie called Inception. Turns out, this movie is a big deal. Such a big deal that every Facebook/Twitter/GChat friend I could possibly have, plus a couple casual passersby have all had a collective orgasm about this movie. I've been cleaning the Inception juices off my laptop for two weeks. I may just be dreaming this, though.

Anyway, having just seen the trailers, I assume that Leo is mostly walking around in a half-opened Hawaiian shirt like a freakin' Mexican banging the crap out of Claire Danes while Juno delivers clever quips about how hilariously pregnant she is. What I didn't know I found out from Wikipedia.... Inception is based purely on a the classic Scrooge McDuck comic "the Dream of a Lifetime." Basically you can control people and other shit through their dreams. First off, only steers and queers wanna go into other dude's dreams. What if the criminal is one of those homosexuals you hear about on the TV? Ew, I will stay clear of their dreams. No dudes settling down. Period.

I digress, again, Scrooge McDuck was a visionary. He's basically come up with everything important in the past century: SALT-1 and 2, the Good Friday Peace Accords, Gigli, Lindsay Lohan, and now Inception, have all been conceived by Scrooge McDuck. Don't believe me? Read this and TELL me that this comic is NOT Inception to a T.

Now this is a great injustice. A worse injustice than Johnson taking credit for the JFK Assassination when we all know that was propagated by Leon Czolsgolz. (Are you guys getting this references? because I'm killing it here). Frankly, this will not stand, ya know? This aggression will not stand. Freaking Christopher Nolan. I have half of mind to send him a strongly worded letter. I want all the unapologetic partiers to do the same. Fuck Christopher Nolan. Fuck Inception. Fuck Juno. And God Bless Scrooge McMother Fucking Duck.