Friday, July 30, 2010

June Tweets

Hello Everyone,

I hope you're all enjoying the fine work of our newest blogger, sixsix. He'll be with us for the foreseeable future, impressing you with his wit and insights into the Way Things Are. For now, here are all the unapologetic Tweets from June. Enjoy!

(Toilet) flush-apalooza; must be 18 to participate: @BroBible @johnjvoci #SFP #flush
1:52 PM Jun 1st
@BarstoolBoston 3rd Miami Of Ohio Sorority Suspended In As Many Weeks For Acting Like Sluts lotto winner blows entire jackpot on crack, cars, and whores in under a decade: @BarstoolBoston @Brobible #SFP
12:32 PM Jun 2nd
Behold, world! The P-Mate (yes this is a real thing): Share between #everlastingfriends @BarstoolBostonDrunk driver goes "all General Lee" through/over tollbooth... then tries to drive away. Pics and video: #SFP @jaeDC
RT@Brobible A Legend Takes the Crown as the Bro of the Week @
The movement has been hijacked by idiots: This site is awful and so #NOTBRO @BroBible @brosicingbros #SFP
4:49 PM June 7th
GeoDaSilva wants to do you like a truck: #crazyeuropeans #worstvideoever @sbenkov @Dolski28 @johnjvoci @jaeDC #SFPPhillies fans in the news again; even little kids are getting drunk at Citizens Bank: @BroBible @WafflesMcButter #SFP
3:26 PM June 8th
More Philly shenanigans; whore had "Phillies Fever" (old news but still funny): @epgoodwinjr #SFP"Their Dangerous Swagger" Bros-in-training run fantasy slampiece draft, parents bro-hate: WTF @nytimes @BroBible #SFP
2:02 PM June 9th
Another article on #brosicingbros, this one in the venerable @nytimes @brosicingbros #BestFuckingGameEver #SFPWorld Cup refs take crash course in cursing in preparation for USA-England match: @BroBible #FuckingWayneRooney #SFP
11:16 AM June 10th
Japan brings sexy back with bikini-jeans: Just more evidence that us winning WWII should not be that surprising. #SFP
@BarstoolBoston Stool Public Service Announcement: Major Earthquake Warning Issued For California
RT @breakcom America Rules England Sucks Video #SFPBest police report EVER: You've got to admit there's some irony in this. @sbenkov @BroBible @WafflesMcButter #SFPInmate scores $300k for prison grope: #goo #SFP @jaeDC

RT@jaeDC may have found best ad ever? GW fights the English in Rev War in dodge Challenger (hey Brits enjoy remembering losing)
BP spills coffee, crisis and chaos ensue: @BroBible @jaeDC #SFP #oilspill #oopsJimmy Dean, singer, sausage guy, old school bro dies at 81: He will be missed. @jaeDC #JimmyDean #sausage #SFPGod bless our troops... especially our snipers. #bumperstickerwisdom #usausausa @jaeDC @Dolski28 #SFPMad monk's member features huge in museum: #Rasputin @BroBible @WafflesMcButter #SFPBangher then Leever: #noexplanationneeded @BroBible @WafflesMcButter @TuckerMax @jaeDC #SFPThe ultimate American bad ass; dude arrested in Pakistan with sword, intent on decapitating Bin Laden: @BroBible #SFPVIDEO: drunk hippie at #Bonnaroo falls over and pisses on himself and fellow concertgoers. Thanks for this gem @BarstoolBoston #SFPA run of greatness has ended... RIP @brosicingbros We will #ICE on in your memory. #brosicingbros #SFP
RT@huffingtonpost Jeremy London KIDNAPPED, Forced To Do Drugs At Gun Point'ma let you finish but... BZZZZZZ BZZZZZZ ZZZZ: #Kayne #vuvuzela #worldcup #SFP RT @thechive put a padlock on hipsters ears theCHIVE African man beaten to death by wife and kids over World Cup game: #gimmethedamnremote #worldcup #SFP @BroBible#Smirnoff is bro-hating, killed according to this report: @brosicingbros @BroBible #SFP@TIME magazine dissects the brotesque antics of bros: with shout-outs to @brosicingbros @BroBible @TuckerMax #SFPCrazed German assaults Hells Angels with a puppy, steals a bulldozer, then goes home: #SFPVIDEO: The best shotgun ever? I'd like to pick them up in my Swagger Wagon: Thanks @BarstoolBostonMan paints historic Atlanta mansion bright orange, uptight neighbors are sorry (pissed off): @jaeDC #SFP #goodtasteWhat really happens on a "Cougar Cruise" courtesy of @USATODAY (It's not that surprising) @sbenkov #SFP #cougarBored at work? Play with this for awhile: #SFP
RT@recklesskelly Sorry For Partying Music Fest is coming up July 3rd! Tickets are still available! Follow the link:... @huffingtonpost: Man on pool float drifts out to sea, prompting Coast Guard rescue. USCG suspects he was drunk...
@BarstoolBoston Dude Gets Shot At Party.Keeps On Partying - Tracy Durham remembers hearing the pop. But the gunshot wound th... Daily What (The headline says it all). This lesbo was def not #SFPDrunk driver flips car, cracks beer while waiting for rescuers to arrive: @jaeDC @BroBible @Deadspin #SFP$600 Looking for unique, open-minded female (to experiment with a pseudo-poly-amorous situation): #craigslist #SFP"Barbaric!!" R.I.P. Robert Byrd, you crazy old man. #makewayforliberty #SFP#KFC just ruined the #DoubleDown: Next, they'll be painting the stripes on the American flag purple and gold. #WTF #SFP

Is this Cool?

So this morning, I'm doing my usual youtube search for "Butt Pirates Go to the Beach" and I stumble across this gem. I watched it about 10 times and I couldn't figure out whether it was cool or not. There is just something about a crowd of dudes with their shirts off smashing beer cans on their heads that I don't like. Perhaps its that its a total waste of some fine brewskis. Coors Light? At least use a bottle for Christ's sake. That way, when your head is busted open and bleeding all over your best bud, it can distract the attention from your raging mega-huge boner that is obviously sprouting by the 30 second mark. Make no mistake about it, these dudes love each other in the classic sense. And by that I of course mean, after their rugby games, they gather around in a low lit room and gently touch each other's nether regions while calling each other queers. That's love.

Now you might be thinking, "sixsix, what gives? Bros love the beach, love brews, and love relentlessly shoving into everyone's face through random acts of loud "bro-dom." Well here are differences. This video had about one chick in it... not a bro's kinda party. If it was, there be just a crowd of them clawing behind a velvet rope just trying to get a taste of that sweet bro nectar. Secondly, smashing beers against your head? Really bros? Waste of brew... plus, when sprayed all over a bro's body, it washes off all the Kiehl's used to make our incredible physiques glisten in the midday sun. Lastly, that chant? That wasn't original! Original is putting your own words to the classics like "Sweet Caroline" and "Rock You like a Hurricane." Cause you know nothing gets a bitch moister than a bro who can perfectly sing their frat letters into the middle of any Neil Diamond classic at the top of their lungs.

So is this cool? No. It's not even kazoo/ukelele Final Countdown cool:


Thursday, July 29, 2010

David Ortiz Calls it Like Is

ANAHEIM Despite three home runs by Mike Lowell Tuesday night while on rehab assignment for Pawtucket, the trade market for him showed no increase in activity Wednesday, according to a major league source. “All is quiet,” the source said.

David Ortiz, asked if he’d heard what Lowell had done the night before, said, “Mikey Lowell is bombing some [expletives] down there, right? That’s what he’d do here, too. Bomb [expletives]. We all know that. That’s what we do for a living — bomb [expletives].’’

David Ortiz knows how to keep things simple so that everyone can understand it. Sure, it needs to be written down, syllable by syllable until there is some semblance of a sentence formed. Let's face it, Ortiz has about Jean Girard's grasp of the English language without the peanut butter. But what happens after we decipher all those pops and clicks? I'll tell you what... we have pure gold, Jerry! Case and Point... Ortiz talks about teammate Mike Lowell's performance in his rehab assignment saying he is bombing 'fuckers down there.' We're not really sure what the expletive is here, but I'm assuming fuckers. It's that or 'lines of blow,' but I'm going with 'fuckers.'

This, my friends, is why we all love David Ortiz. Just a big, goofy bro who is awesome at everything he does. Hitting home runs, not hitting to left field (because if you ain't hitting right, you're wrong), playing DH, getting hurt. He is the ultimate at sitting on the bench for most of every game and getting paid like the champion he is. You think he cares what you think? Hell no! But he is a badass who sticks up for his fellow bros. Respect.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A Word on Exercise

Yes, this is what sixsix looks like with his shirt off.
Laser Show. Relax.

is for the naturally weak.... the ones Darwin left behind. Drinking excessively every night with a complete disregard for societal rules and doing whatever we please is not only American, its exactly the next step in human evolution. So screw you, all you evolutionary stragglers with your exercise and your sobriety and your ivory towers and your VH1. I'm not sorry that I was blessed with this incredible bod, completely impervious to nights of alarmingly excessive drinking and eating what I damn well please. Enjoy the gym. Have fun crying on the treadmill tonight because nobody will fuck a pansy. I'll be on the fratio with a fresh brewdog and a double cheeseburger.


Bank of America Is Not Sorry

Bank of America - Standard Setting - For transactions such as checks, Online Bill payments, or recurring debit card payments, we may pay the transaction - even if it causes your checking account to be overdrawn and results in a $35 Overdraft Item fee. Many customers prefer we pay such overdrafts; this may be more convenient than not having certain payments made on time. Often, these payments are for important bills including: mortgage, rent or insurance premiums.

Decline All Setting
Most customers will find the Standard Setting to be the right fit for their account. But if you prefer, you can switch to the Decline-All Setting. This setting will decline any transaction that would overdraw your account. We will only authorize transactions when there is enough money available in your checking account or linked Overdraft Protection account at the time of the transaction. Keep in mind, you will be charged a $35 NSF: Returned Item fee for each transaction that is not paid, including checks and certain other electronic transactions. Plus, some merchants also charge additional fees for returned checks.

PS... Yes, we're fucking serious.

So Bank of America posts this to their site the other day as basically a big ol' middle finger to all the queens that bitch about overdraft fees. You can either choose to pay a $35 overdraft fee or pay $35 to have your card declined. Let me straighten out a few things here. First, as a loyal Bank of America customer for years, I couldn't be happier that I have entrusted my hard earned dollars to a bunch of bro's. Make no mistake about it, this bank is run by some seriously unapologetic bros. Only someone with some monster sized bro-balls would make a completely redundant rule like this and it is fantastic. Nothing gets a bro off like making fun of the poor and this is just classic comedy.

On top of that, its great rule in the first place. Nothing grinds my gears more than poor people trying to charge shit to their cards. Sorry champ, you're poor deal with it. You are so poor, than we're going to make you poorer anytime you try to spend money you don't have. Classic bro move. Next time you're out with your boys, chillaxin' on some brewdogs... don't offer to pick up the tab. Everyone knows you don't have money. Instead, why don't you take that $35 you would have had to spend on the bank fees and put it towards your child support or your alimony. Face it America, being poor means your sorry. So thank you Bank of America and your Board of Bro's, pop open a tall cold Bud Heavy for me and enjoy... you deserved it.