Friday, March 19, 2010

February Tweets

Here are the NotSFP Tweets from Feb-tober. Enjoy!

@Spiritairlines wants you to go MUFF Diving for $9. I shit you not: #thatsanono but it's still awesome #SFP
RT @Spiritairlines MUFF to Diving Destinations and other places too! That's right, Many Unbelievably Fantastic Fares from $9* E/W. "yalls secually explicit emails make me want to fly even more" #SFP Bravo on the savvy marketing, guys.Most retarded website ever: #politicalcorrectnessisforpussies #SFPImpending snowbliteration for DC, likely more epic than December's snowpocalypse. Stay tuned for posts re: the weekend's antics. #SFPBTW #blizzardrules apply starting 9 am Fri. Blizzard Rules=real rules don't apply, so run red lights, drink in public, don't be sorry @jaeDCAlso this: sorry for chucking animal semen on you #butwheredoesoneevenacquireanimalsemen? #SFPTo everyone in DC: #runforyourlives #SFPAlso, this guy is NotSFP: not sorry for predicting (the weather) #SFP It's been said before, we'll say it again: Jared Allen is the Ultimate Bro in Sports:

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Spring Cleaning

There's nothing too unapologetic about this story. It's more of an amusing aside that provides a window into how we live (frattily). The following is an email that was sent by our landlords to the entire development. As you will see from the follow-up commentary, it was most definitely directed solely at our house. Names have been omitted to protect the guilty. Enjoy:

During a recent inspection of the [Development] grounds and exterior, I noticed that a number of the patios need to be tidied up. Please, as a courtesy to us and your neighbors, make sure that your patios are kept in a neat and tidy manor and that if any of the following are present, please remove them.

Please remove any of the following:
Cans and bottles
Cigarette butts
Xmas lights
BBQ ashes
Tiki torches
Beer pong tables
Furniture that is not designed to be used outside.

I also noticed many cigarette butts on the grounds and in the parking areas. If you smoke please do not litter and dispose of your cigarette butts in the correct manner.

As you know we, at [Blank] Property Management, take a lot of pride in our properties and strive to keep them in tip top condition. Please help us by keeping your patios picked up.
Thank you in advance for your continued help in this matter, I am sure it will make a difference for all residents.

[Blank] Property Management

I have to say that receiving this email was a pleasure and an honor. The man that we pay thousands of dollars to each month had just described in detail, for the benefit of 19 other sets of renters, the exact state of our patio. (Sorry for partying).

Let's review:

Cans and bottles... check

Cigarette butts... check times about 100 (and none of us smoke, go figure)

Xmas lights... check (and let's not forget the 3-month old tree that they were still on)

BBQ ashes... check (and overturned grill)

Tiki torches... check times 3 (in our defense they were uprooted and deposited on our patio by the Mexican landscapers in October)

Trash... check (although it depends on what your definition of trash is; "one man's trash...")

Furniture that is not designed to be outside... check (doesn't this seem like a judgment call to you?)

They also forgot 2-month old spaghetti (in tupperware, of course), a jug of apple cider that we were attempting to ferment into booze, and a case of energy drinks that came free with the purchase of our last keg.

As Baby Boy Da Prince rapped in his 2006 classic: "This is the way I live/ Lil’ Boy still pushin’ big wheels/ I stack my money, lay low, and chill./ Don’t need to work hard that’s the way I feel, I feel, I/ This is the way I live."

St. Patrick's Day

Greetings fellow partiers, I hope you are enjoying National Hangover Day as much as I am (at least to the extent that it is possible to enjoy a hangover). Please accept my apologies for the significant time lapse between posts. I promise you, though, this inactivity was not without good reason: for the last month I have been living a country song... lost my girl, truck broke down, dog died (not really, but you get the point). Either way, I sufficiently righted myself just in time for the single-best holiday of the whole year: St. Patrick's Day.

Rather than expend a lot of hot air pontificating on this subject, I'll turn the reins over to an actual Irishman (well, Irish-American) for his thoughts on the whole shebangabang. Please welcome NSFP's chief Mick Correspondent (further apologies for the belated publication of his submission):

Hello Everyone,

Got a little Irish in You? Do you want some?

Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.

Okay... now that I've warmed you up with a joke, here we go:

It's getting to be that time of year again. One of the most magical, splendorous, prodigious, magnanimous holidays of the whole year is just around the corner. There are only 2 shopping days left until St. Patrick's Day. That's right... St. Patrick's Day. A day so magical... a day dedicated to nothing but the sport of drinking and having a good time. Don't like to drink or have a good time? Well, Fuck You! Stop reading now, close your browser, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Now, I know what you are thinking... St. Patrick's day, what a useless holiday... it's in the middle of the week... I gave up drinking for Lent... I'm not even Irish... I gotta work the next day... and who the fuck is Marvin Hamlisch? (He wrote the music for The Sting).

But I say nay! Just because we aren't in college and on Spring Break for this St. Patrick's day, doesn't mean we can't pretend. I know that some of you, like me, have spent St. Patrick's Day in exotic places. There were times in Dublin, where I pretended to be Irish. Everything was going swimmingly until a rather swarthy old Irishman informed me that I couldn't possibly be Irish because there is nobody over 6 foot on the Emerald Isle (I'm 6'5"). My cover was blown. Fuck it. We preceded to get shit canned anyway, have an American-style barbecue, lose roommates, find them, and cap it all off with Rico's Chicken Shawarma followed by a 15-hour nap in a recliner. Sorry, but I'm not sorry.

Then there was Miami 2009, decked out in green, smoking hookah, cigars, and other substances on the front stoop, directing traffic and playing crossing guard at 10 am... hammered, paying a $20 cover to get into an "Irish" bar, hitting on cougars, then basically stumbling around South Beach and trying to pick fights with the non-English speakers. Ending with a 4 am dip/near-drowning in the Atlantic. Real fratty.

My point is that St. Patrick's day is an epic day and should be celebrated as such. Now I know that some people have work the next day and maybe they don't want to do anything crazy on a school night. All I ask is that for just one night- one glorious night- we forget our preconceived notions of what is "appropriate" and "socially acceptable" and just freaking run train on this beautiful day. Maybe you have to call in sick the next day? I don't know, I'm just throwing it out there.

Now what the hell am I saying here? I am saying be ready, stay tuned, because St. Patrick's is coming. Maybe you don't show up to work or class on March 18th off. Maybe you tell your boss, "Fuck you, I'm leaving work at noon on the 17th and not coming in until noon the next day, if at all." That's what I did. It's time to tap into that inner leprechaun, and take a walk on your Irish side. Here's some tips for the upcoming festivities:

1.) Head out to your local Food Lion, Safeway, Giant, Shoppers, Stop-and-Shop, 7-Eleven, etc. and get yourself some green food coloring. This stuff goes quick, so make sure you stock up when you find it. Then put it on and in everything. Dye your beer, of course. But also dye your food. Lamb and tuna fish? Turn it green! Spaghetti and meatballs? Green It! Appletini? No need!

2.) Find yourself a good bar to go to. This is key... and it doesn't even have to be an Irish bar! Chances are the Irish bars are going to be packed and their drinks jacked up by a dollar. Check out BarDC's St. Patrick's Day guide for all the specials around the Metro area:

3.) Whatever bar you go to... keep it fratty. Don't be a quiet, timid, onlooker. Make sure you sing Wild Rover at the top of your lungs, even if you don't know the words. Bang your pint glasses as noisemakers until they break and that ugly waitresses gives you scowl and threatens to kick you out. She wants you to apologize. Don't. Ever. Instead, call her a bitch and tell her to clean it up like it's her job.

4.) Wear green. This should go without saying. But it's surprising how many people need to be reminded. Remember, part of St. Patrick's Day is making sure other people know how Irish (or fake Irish) you are. Get the obnoxious Kelly green shirt that says "I dyed my pubes green for this?" and wear it with pride. How else will everyone know just how seriously trashed you are if you weren't festooned in all green. (Extra points awarded if you dress up as Green Man).

So all you potato chuckers, have a great St. Patricks Day. Keep it fratty and... boogity boogity boogity lets go drinking!

I will leave you with a couple fitting Irish poems and a truly inspirational Irish song to get the mood cooking:

May you work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt
Dance like no one is watching
Screw like you're being filmed
And drink like a true Irishman

There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head.
If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
How in the hell can he drink when he's dead?

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

Sláinte Bitches, An bhfuil tú ar meisce fós? (Cheers Bitches, are you drunk yet?)