Monday, February 1, 2010

The Winter Olympic Drinking Games

Greetings fellow un-apologists and a happy February to all. The advent of this new month signals a number of things: it is now Black History Month (yes, for the whole month, so be sure to Hug-a-Brotha). Tomorrow is National Signing Day for college football recruits (and basically the beginning of the 2010 season) and we will finally learn the destinations of the last big-time uncommitted recruits. Tomorrow is also Groundhog Day, and we will accurately and scientifically predict the remaining length of winter depending on whether Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow. Also, Valentine's Day is just around the corner and unless you want to be using a bottle of lotion and a tube sock like last year, I suggest you prepare accordingly. Most importantly, two months from today marks the official start of Miniskirt Season in our nation's capital. Alas, that is a post for another time and another mindset, and for now we must slog through the waning weeks of winter.

Yes, February carries with it many important themes and events, perhaps none more important or rare (barring the next pass of Halley's Comet) than the Olympic Winter Games. In just 11 short days the Olympic Cauldron will be lit in Vancouver, thus commencing more than 2 weeks of world-class competition. Now I, like any regular bro, am pretty pumped by the cold-weather version of the Games. Where else can you witness grown adults sliding headfirst down an ice-filled ditch at 80 miles per hour? Or some fine young piece of Swedish ass doing triple backflips off a snow ramp? Or fat, overweight, middle-aged Canadians with brooms actually competing for Olympic medals by sliding rocks down an ice track? And finally, I am certainly no fan of figure skating, but the female costumes are just so... artful.

My point is threefold: one, you get to watch sexy young women from different countries in form-fitting clothing doing unusual things; two, most cold-weather extreme sports have made the crossover to the Olympics far better than their warm-weather counterparts, thereby allowing you to watch the Winter X Games twice in one year; and three, unlike the Summer Olympics, there are certain events in the Winter Games (e.g. curling) that any beer-drinking dude like you or me could watch while sitting on his couch and say "Well shit, I could do that." To rephrase my final point, watching the Winter Games is an exercise in self-esteem building and a genuinely feel-good experience, due to the inclusion of events requiring the skill-equivalent of ping pong. (Which, come to think of it, is an Olympic sport as well).

The Olympic Winter Games have increased significantly in importance, popularity, and prestige since the first ones were held in 1924, in Chamonix, France. One could argue that the rise of television is largely responsible. For two weeks in the middle of this month, if you choose, you could do nothing but watch obscure, winter sports. (For sanity sake we do not recommend you do this). In fact, during the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games, approximately 2,500 athletes will compete in 15 sports and 86 separate medal events. This means precisely one thing: there will be plenty of opportunities for drinking games.

Being readers of this blog, you are all obviously creative and intelligent people, who have probably already formulated some of your own. That's magical. But just in case you need some help, we will be featuring a dozen different Olympic drinking games in the days leading up to the Opening Ceremonies. Each game will be specific to a certain event (e.g. figure skating, bobsled, snowboard halfpipe, etc.), except for today's game, which will apply throughout the competition. So while world-class athletes are competing for glory and country, you can be sitting at home, on your couch, thinking "Well shit, I could do that." Enjoy!

The Winter Olympic Drinking Game:

1.) Take a drink every time an announcer says Vancouver or Whistler

2.) Take a gulp every time you are invited to either "share a moment" or "get up close and personal with [insert athlete]"

3.) Take a drink every time the Olympic theme is played (i.e. the greatest song in the world)

4.) Take a shot of your choice every time an Olympic or world record is set; drink double if it's an American athlete

5.) Drink every time NBC plays a montage (photo or video); finish your drink before it ends; if you don't finish before it ends, drink another

6.) Every time Bob Costas comes on, change the channel, take a shot of Draino, and punch yourself in the face; (this and continuing to sit there and watch him are roughly equivalent)

7.) Every time an American wins a bronze medal, finish your drink

8.) Every time an American wins a silver medal, chug a Silver Bullet; if it's a relay or a team sport drink one for every team member; (you better hope we suck at hockey this year)

9.) Every time an American wins a gold medal, take a shot of Goldschlager and do 10 push-ups; same relay/team rules apply as for silver medal; (your countrymen are out there in the cold representing America, I think you can do 10 push-ups)

10.) Take a drink every time an athlete talks about "fulfilling a lifelong dream" or "the honor of representing my country;" doesn't matter if it's in victory or defeat or just a regular interview, the point is to drink

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