Monday, February 1, 2010

The Winter Olympic Drinking Games-Speed Skating

In preparation for the opening of the Olympic Winter Games in just 10 short days, we are bringing you an exclusive series of event-specific drinking games to enhance your viewing experience. As mentioned in yesterday's post, we will publish one drinking game per day from now until the Games begin. Today's event: speed skating. As noted on the official Vancouver site, "Speed skating emerged on the canals of Holland as early as the 13th century- a time when iron skates on wooden soles served as a mode of transportation. Competitive racing is known to have been held in Holland as early as 1676."

Of course the Dutch would come up with something like this; in a land of windmills and wooden shoes and other such impracticalities, these people would be amused by such a silly concept as ice skating. You would think in a nation that has been repeatedly invaded and occupied over the last 800 years, some contact sports might have emerged from this war-hardened people. Like football. Or rugby. But no, being Dutch, the two most competitive sports they've spawned as a people are ice skating and smoking weed. And the most pertinent question is: which one of those two actually deserves to be an Olympic sport?

Remember to always begin and end every drinking game with chants of "USA! USA! USA!" People will hear you, they will understand, and they will join you. And, of course, the game described in yesterday's post applies throughout the entirety of the Olympics.

The Speed Skating Drinking Game:

1.) Take a drink at the beginning of every heat

2.) Take a drink at the end of every heat, take another if an American racer wins

3.) Take a shot of your choice every time a skater wipes out (to dull the pain)

4.) Take a drink every time the cameras do a close-up of that toolshed Apolo Ohno, take another every time he tugs on himself through his speed suit on worldwide television

5.) Take a drink at the completion of every lap in heats and finals; extra Bro points are awarded if you can still stand after the 10,000 meters (that's 25 laps)

Optional but recommended: 6.) Shotgun a beer at the start of each final (you start when they start)

For team pursuit (same rules as above, plus...):

7.) Take a drink every time a team member moves out of the draft position to take the lead

8.) Take a drink any time there is intimate contact among teammates during the race (hand on the ass while drafting, etc.) that would be weird in an everyday situation but is acceptable because this is speed skating, after all

Bonus: 9.) Finish your drink any time one team passes another

Speed Skating Schedule:

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