Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Winter Olympic Drinking Games-Figure Skating

In preparation for the opening of the Olympic Winter Games in just 2 short days, we are bringing you an exclusive series of event-specific drinking games to enhance your viewing experience. We are publishing one drinking game per day from now until the Games begin. Seeing as the Opening Ceremonies are just around the corner, this will be the last event-specific drinking game (sad face). Tomorrow's post will cover the Opening Ceremonies, but please don't limit yourself merely to the games we've posted. Use them as inspiration to make up your own for the sports we missed.

Now to today's sport: figure skating. As described on the official Vancouver site, "An American, Jackson Haines, is considered to be the founding father of modern figure skating in the 1860s — established not in his home country, but in Vienna, Austria, where audiences loved his carefully choreographed, ballet-influenced style. Before Haines, figure skating concentrated largely on required figures- skating a figure eight, several times exactly the same way- and movements. Haines brought in musicians to play on the ice while he skated, while adding interesting costumes and exciting spins and pirouettes."

Thanks a lot, Jackson, you fairy. That's just what the manliest, most powerful country on earth needed: a sport featuring "interesting costumes and exciting spins and pirouettes." They're laughing at us, Jackson, and it's your fault. Let's consider, for a moment, the recent history of figure skating. You had the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan debacle, you had Oksana Baiul, the 1994 Olympic gold medalist, get wasted and wrap her car around a tree in Connecticut, you had the French getting into their usual hi-jinks and rigging the '02 Olympics, and you had one very funny movie. In my opinion, the movie is the most interesting development in figure skating in the last 20 years and it didn't even feature real skating. And another thing: if you ask me, any sport in which final outcomes are determined solely through reliance on the subjective opinions of judges is a suspect sport indeed. All in all, an extremely lame sport that really only has two good things going for it: exotic women in skimpy outfits and many opportunities to drink.

Remember to always begin and end every drinking game with chants of "USA! USA! USA!" People will hear you, they will understand, and they will join you. And, of course, the game described in last Monday's post applies throughout the entirety of the Olympics.

The Figure Skating Drinking Game:

1.) Take one drink at the beginning and end of every singles routine; take two drinks for pairs

2.) Take a drink every time Scott Hamilton (or any other announcer) says "NAILED IT"

3.) Take a drink every time a skater lands a jump that you don't know the name of

4.) Take a shot of your choice every time a skater falls

5.) In pairs, take a drink every time the guy lifts his partner during the routine

6.) If you're a girl, take a drink every time you're turned on by a male skater; if you're a guy, take a drink every time you get a half-chub from watching a female skater

7.) If, at the end of a routine, the crowd loves it so much that they throw flowers, teddy bears, etc. on the ice, finish your drink

Ice Dance Bonus Rule (Optional):

8.) Chug throughout the entirety of every ice dance routine (so you can forget that this pathetic excuse for a sport is in the freaking Olympics)

The complete figure skating schedule:

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