Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Pussy Manifesto

Always thought that dogs were better than cats? Never able to put together the cogent argument to prove it? This is your manifesto.

1.) Cats are evil. Make no mistake about it, if you were to die in a house full of cats... they WILL eat you. And if you die, they will attack you like Whitney Houston attacks cocaine: a pound a minute. They're carnivorous animals; unlike dogs who can eat just about everything, cats always need to have "meat." Their blood lust will only be satisfied when their loving owner passes away, probably while crocheting a scarf, drinking prune juice, and watching "Murder, She Wrote."

2.) How many hilarious pet tricks are done by cats? None. Can you teach them to do a trick? No. If I had a cat (which I don't) and if it were trainable (which it isn't), I would train it to do two things: to not eat me after I die and to be useful (i.e. provide me with companionship). In terms of pure YouTube value cats are a D-.

3.) Will a dog climb up on your desk and poop? Will it climb up on the sofa and do the same? How about on a windowsill? No. Will a cat do these things? You betcha. They might poop in their stupid litter box, but if the box doesn't meet their sanitation standards, you can bet your crack rocks that it will poop anywhere it can reach.

4.) Cats love to dig their claws into everything, especially your skin. They have no regard for anything sacred. $1000 oriental rug? Consider it trashed. Brand new leather sofa? Consider it pooped on and trashed.

5.) They can't swim. Ever throw a dog into the water and watch it swim? Hilarious, right? Watch them keep their heads and nothing else above water so they can reach the tennis ball? Classic. Every throw a cat into the water and watch it swim? Also hilarious. But for a completely different reason: it will sink like the freaking Lusitania. If it does swim, it's terrible at it and definitely will not be doing it to make you laugh (like a dog would).

6.) Dogs just want you to be happy; cats just want you to die. Whether you exist as their owner or not, a cat will survive. It doesn't need someone to give it attention, feed it, give it water, or give it a place to piss and shit. Again, make no mistake about it... it will eat human flesh or whatever else it can get its grubby paws on. It will poop wherever it wants. It's will behave the exact same way when you're around as when you're not. Which makes it predictable and stupid.

7.) They don't play catch. Dogs will do things to earn companionship. They are loyal friends, they will follow you into hell and back. And they are genetically predisposed to retrieve ANYTHING you throw... including cats. It's incredible and a testament to their resolve. The only thing cats are loyal about is being douche bags. They are like the loner roommate who does his own thing and doesn't really contribute to any fun in the house. But at least that roommate pays rent... don't expect the same from cats.

8.) They have that tiny fur that gets everywhere. Not even the most hairy, sheddy dog in the world sheds as much fur as a freaking cat.

9.) Dogs are playful, loyal, caring, smart, hygienic, and protective. They also can help you get laid. Dogs are a great way to meet people; dudes take their dogs to the dog park to try and pick up girls and vice versa. If you go out walking a cat to try to get laid, you're a freak and you will only attract attention to the fact that you are walking a freaking cat.

10.) They stink. They think they're the best dancers. A bunch of wide-nosed having, breathing up all the doggy air. They stink and I hate em... DOG POWER!!

And if those 10 compelling reasons were not enough, there's also scientific evidence that the Grim Reaper is masquerading as a cat in Massachusetts.

Listen, I'm not saying that if you put a cat in front of me right now that I wouldn't invite it on my lap and probably pet it. I can't stand the things. But, God help me, you put one of those little retards in front of me and its got free tickets to my lap. My point is that cats are wily and are not to be trusted. They will turn on you in a heartbeat and eat you.

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