Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Winter Olympic Drinking Games-The Opening Ceremonies

The Winter Olympics are finally upon us. In just over 24 hours the 2010 Vancouver Games will open. Over the last two weeks, we've brought you an exclusive series of event-specific drinking games to enhance your viewing experience. So far, you've seen games covering speed skating, curling, bobsleigh, snowboard, hockey, and figure skating. Yes, we missed a number of events, but please don't let that discourage you. Use the ones we posted as inspiration to make up your own drinking games. And now, the granddaddy of them all: the Opening Ceremonies drinking game.

You may look at this game and, initially, be intimidated. You may say, "But this is too much, I couldn't possibly sack up for something as intense as this." Well in response to that, let me ask you a question: do you think Columbus ever looked out at the ocean and said "It's too vast or too intimidating?" Did Sir Edmund Hillary ever gaze up to the summit of Everest and say, "No fucking way?" In 1932, did FDR appraise the Great Depression and say "Fuck it, I'll just sip martinis at Hyde Park and ride this bitch out?" Did the great United States of America just throw in the towel when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Did JFK ever look up at the moon and say that putting a man on it was an impossible goal? No, he took the bull by the fucking horns and got it done. That's what you need to do here, because there's no place in America for pussies.

Remember to always begin and end every drinking game with chants of "USA! USA! USA!" People will hear you, they will understand, and they will join you. And, of course, the game described in last Monday's post applies throughout the entirety of the Olympics.

The Opening Ceremonies Drinking Game:

1.) Take a drink every time a new country is introduced; drink twice if you can trace family origins back to that country

2.)
Take a shot of Jim, Jack, or Evan (your choice) when the USA is introduced

3.) Take a drink every time the announcer says "this symbolizes this" or any derivative thereof

4.) Take a drink every time the announcer uses obnoxious adjectives like "magnificent," "amazing," "incredible" to describe things that are clearly ordinary or not that great (people tend to get carried away with the Olympic spirit)

5.) Take a drink every time the inspirational music switches to a new song; drink twice if it's the official Olympic theme

6.) Take a drink every time the Olympic rings are formed by people executing choreographed moves

7.) Take a drink and give yourself a dead leg (to remind yourself not to enjoy it) every time an interpretive dance is performed

8.) Take a drink for every inspirational story that is presented

9.) Pour one out for one's homies when they debut the remake of "We Are the World" and then say "Burn in hell, Michael Jackson"

10.) Take a drink every time the Olympic Torch is shown on camera; take a shot of your choice when they light the Olympic Cauldron

Bonus Death Rule:

11.) Take a shot of Jameson when Ireland shows up; a shot of vodka for Russia; a beer for Germany; a glass of red wine for France; a shot of tequila for Mexico; a sake bomb for Japan; and kill a hooker when Canada shows up

The Opening Ceremonies start at 7:30 pm EST Friday night on NBC, so be sure to have some popcorn and plenty of booze. USA! USA! USA!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Winter Olympic Drinking Games-Figure Skating

In preparation for the opening of the Olympic Winter Games in just 2 short days, we are bringing you an exclusive series of event-specific drinking games to enhance your viewing experience. We are publishing one drinking game per day from now until the Games begin. Seeing as the Opening Ceremonies are just around the corner, this will be the last event-specific drinking game (sad face). Tomorrow's post will cover the Opening Ceremonies, but please don't limit yourself merely to the games we've posted. Use them as inspiration to make up your own for the sports we missed.

Now to today's sport: figure skating. As described on the official Vancouver site, "An American, Jackson Haines, is considered to be the founding father of modern figure skating in the 1860s — established not in his home country, but in Vienna, Austria, where audiences loved his carefully choreographed, ballet-influenced style. Before Haines, figure skating concentrated largely on required figures- skating a figure eight, several times exactly the same way- and movements. Haines brought in musicians to play on the ice while he skated, while adding interesting costumes and exciting spins and pirouettes."

Thanks a lot, Jackson, you fairy. That's just what the manliest, most powerful country on earth needed: a sport featuring "interesting costumes and exciting spins and pirouettes." They're laughing at us, Jackson, and it's your fault. Let's consider, for a moment, the recent history of figure skating. You had the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan debacle, you had Oksana Baiul, the 1994 Olympic gold medalist, get wasted and wrap her car around a tree in Connecticut, you had the French getting into their usual hi-jinks and rigging the '02 Olympics, and you had one very funny movie. In my opinion, the movie is the most interesting development in figure skating in the last 20 years and it didn't even feature real skating. And another thing: if you ask me, any sport in which final outcomes are determined solely through reliance on the subjective opinions of judges is a suspect sport indeed. All in all, an extremely lame sport that really only has two good things going for it: exotic women in skimpy outfits and many opportunities to drink.

Remember to always begin and end every drinking game with chants of "USA! USA! USA!" People will hear you, they will understand, and they will join you. And, of course, the game described in last Monday's post applies throughout the entirety of the Olympics.

The Figure Skating Drinking Game:

1.) Take one drink at the beginning and end of every singles routine; take two drinks for pairs

2.) Take a drink every time Scott Hamilton (or any other announcer) says "NAILED IT"

3.) Take a drink every time a skater lands a jump that you don't know the name of

4.) Take a shot of your choice every time a skater falls

5.) In pairs, take a drink every time the guy lifts his partner during the routine

6.) If you're a girl, take a drink every time you're turned on by a male skater; if you're a guy, take a drink every time you get a half-chub from watching a female skater

7.) If, at the end of a routine, the crowd loves it so much that they throw flowers, teddy bears, etc. on the ice, finish your drink

Ice Dance Bonus Rule (Optional):

8.) Chug throughout the entirety of every ice dance routine (so you can forget that this pathetic excuse for a sport is in the freaking Olympics)

The complete figure skating schedule: http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-figure-skating-schedule-results/

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Winter Olympic Drinking Games-Hockey

And we're back! After our weekend lay-off due to Snowbliteration, we are continuing our countdown of Winter Olympic Drinking Games. In preparation for the opening of the Olympic Winter Games in just 3 short days, we are bringing you an exclusive series of event-specific drinking games to enhance your viewing experience. We are publishing one drinking game per day from now until the Games begin. Today's sport: ice hockey. As described on the official Vancouver site, "The word hockey comes from the old French word 'hocquet,' meaning 'stick.' The British most likely brought the idea of using a stick to propel a snowball along the ice of a pond or lake to North America in the 1600 or 1700s. In 1879, college students at McGill University in Montreal organized competitions and developed the first known set of hockey rules."


Other than being an awesome spectator sport, an additional reason you should pay attention to the ice hockey competition is that it is one of the few Winter Olympic sports invented in North America- even if it was by those crazy French Canadians. Unfortunately, despite it's awesomeness, the hockey polls about evenly with soccer in terms of American fan interest. This may be largely due to the fact that while the USA routinely does well in international competitions, they rarely ever win. That honor is usually claimed by the Canadians or one of the powerhouse teams from Eastern Europe. What are we to do? That's right, do what we do with everything else: monetize every aspect of it, trademark and copyright its pants off, and claim it for our own. Hence, the premier hockey league in the world- the NHL- is based right here in the good ole' United States of America. So while all you dern foreigners may be collectively better than Americans at the sport, at the end of the day you're still getting paid in Green Backs. How ya like them apples?


Remember to always begin and end every drinking game with chants of "USA! USA! USA!" People will hear you, they will understand, and they will join you. And, of course, the game described in last Monday's post applies throughout the entirety of the Olympics.


The Ice Hockey Drinking Game:


1.) Take a drink at the beginning and end of every period


2.) Take a drink every time the team you're rooting for wins a face-off


3.) For every goal scored take a drink for the following: for every player on the ice for the scoring team (maximum of 6); for each assist on the goal (maximum of 2); if the team you're rooting for scores shorthanded (the team has a penalty, and are thus down one or more players) drink double; alternatively, you can chug until the goal celebration is over and take a shot immediately afterward


4.) Take a drink if the goal is scored against the team you're rooting for (think of it as pouring one out for your homies)


5.) Take a drink for every penalty- 2 minute penalties get 2 seconds of chugging, 5 minute majors get 5 seconds, etc.; take a shot for every ejection


6.) Take a drink one for every body check that knocks someone down


7.) Take a shot for any injury requiring a stoppage of play


8.) Chug for the duration of every fight; finish your drink if the team you're rooting for wins


Bonus Shootout Rule:


9.) Take a drink for every goal the team you're rooting for scores; shotgun a beer if they win in the shootout


The full ice hockey schedule: http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-hockey-schedule-results/

Snowbliteration

Greetings fellow partiers. First, allow me to apologize for the lengthy period between posts- not to mention the discontinuation of our Winter Olympic Drinking Games countdown with 7 days still to go. I know many of you are looking forward to what our twisted and masochistic minds can come up with to celebrate American athletic glory, and I promise you that countdown will resume shortly. Now to the reason for our lay-off: in a word, it was Snowbliteration. Depending on your location and news source, the D.C. metro area received the 5th-, 4th- or 3rd-biggest blizzard of all time this weekend. In celebration of and coordination with this massive storm, we attempted to go on one of the biggest benders of all time. And since partying comes before all else- including blogging- this lapse in posts was a necessary evil.

And a successful bender it was. Allow me to set the scene.

Being thoroughly dedicated to the cause (of partying) and knowing that the Super Bowl was one of the half dozen most important days of the entire year in that regard, our planning process began early last week. Our thought was to purchase a bunch of food, perhaps some alcohol (not too much, though, since we don't like to drink), invite some people over, and throw your average run-of-the-mill Super Bowl party. And then the first reports of a winter storm began filtering in... half of foot of snow was predicted. That prediction was soon doubled, and then tripled. By Thursday night, the forecast came with the caveat that records could fall to this monster, which promised to drop 20-30 inches or more. I'll admit, being a native New Englander and having been disappointed more than once by bombastic mid-Atlantic snow forecasts, I was skeptical that this impending Snowbliteration could be anything more than a paper tiger.

Then I saw a radar image of the storm on Friday morning: this behemoth stretched over 1000 miles across, from Chicago to the Atlantic coast and over 500 miles tall, from the Great Lakes to North Carolina. Perhaps, the weatherman was right this time. This was the real deal. Our weekend plans were thrown into disarray. What would we do? Could we possibly cope with such a storm? And then we remembered one thing: in December, the great Snowpocalypse of '09 hit D.C. and dropped 16 inches of powder. Over those fateful few days, we stood toe to toe with Mother Nature and didn't blink (although we did get a bit droopy-eyed from all the booze). If we could rock out in the face of Nature's fury then, we could certainly do it again. But we needed more food and more beer. A lot more. (In case you're wondering what transpired during Snowpocalypse, simply continue reading and you will encounter a bigger, badder, drunker version with more snow).

Much like our parents can remember exactly what they were doing when JFK was shot, I can remember the exact place and time where I was when Snowbliteration began. I was sitting at my desk, hungover, at roughly 10:40 am when the first excited GChats, text messages, and emails began filtering in. "It's snowing!" "Hooray for snow!" "Look outside!" Having decided to temp fate the previous night I caught a buzz, betting that the office would close ahead of the storm. As it goes in the song: "I fought the law and the law won." The office operates on the Federal government schedule and the geniuses over at the Office of Personnel Management decided in all their wisdom to declare a half day. Being slightly under the weather and thoroughly peeved, I did not share the excitement and giddiness of my compatriots, but at least I could reconcile myself with doing nothing and getting paid for it. After billing a few hours to "Miscellaneous Legal Research" (i.e. reading the New York Times and sending obscene emails to a few friends), I tired of pretending to work and received permission to leave at 1:30. I walked out the door at 12:15.

After picking up some friends and battling through Washington traffic (D.C. drivers are horrible to begin with and absolutely awful when whipped into a pre-blizzard frenzy), our first stop was the liquor store. Keg. Check. Vodka. Check. Triple Sec, Tequila, Gin. Check, check, check. What are we forgetting...? Everclear! Check. After stopping for a late lunch at Ray's Hell-Burger, we finally made it home. At this point the snow was starting to come down at a fairly decent clip and we put the keg out back to chill to proper temperature. We then ventured back out into the storm, braving the conditions to purchase more supplies. Three supermarkets and $350 later, we had enough food to survive a nuclear attack.

By mid-afternoon, the riot punch was mixed and the drinks began to flow. (There is nothing that gets you in the mood to party like a concoction that is 50 percent grain alcohol). The keg was tapped shortly thereafter and by early evening we were sufficiently buzzed to put on our best Emeril impression. Soon there were steaming pots of three-meat chili and spicy jambalaya, Red Baron frozen pizza (cooked at this point, of course), along with a varied assortment of chips, dips, and other delicious finger foods. As the snow came pounding down that evening, we ate like kings.

Our hunger being sated meant only one thing: it was time for beer pong. My partner and I had a particularly hot hand Friday night, winning a couple dozen games against only a handful of losses. At times it was like if Tyson fought an infant; we couldn't lose. Meanwhile, the Snowbliteration was intensifying: every time we opened the back door to refill the pitcher from the keg, the gusting winds whipped the snow inside, leaving a fine dusting over the kitchen. Upon returning from a pitcher mission or a cigarette break, people would be covered in snow as if they had just been antiqued, despite only being outside a few minutes. At this point the snow was accumulating multiple inches every hour, while 30 mph winds reduced visibility to near nothing.

The beer pong could have gone on all night (and perhaps I might never have left the table) save for one event: around midnight a Metro bus lost its momentum on the slight incline in front of our house and became stuck, spinning its wheels. Being both Good Samaritans and thoroughly intoxicated we decided that it was not only possible but the desirable to venture outside and attempt to push the bus up the hill. Now to any sober, rational person this would seem like a dangerous and fruitless endeavor. (Can't you imagine the opening sentence of that news story? "On Friday evening, the attempt by a number of drunk revelers to push a 12-ton city bus up a hill ended in tragedy as it slid backwards, crushing all of them to death like so many ants"). At the time, however, we were neither sober nor rational, and this seemed like a terrific idea; it was simply another chapter of our party, waiting to be written. Somehow, someway the beer muscles of 6 young men were able to push the bus through the blizzard to the crest of the hill and send it on its merry way.

After that excitement, more beer pong was just too much to bear, so we turned to card games. After a few rounds of asshole and a few more of bullshit pyramid, the first weaklings began to hit the deck. Around 2 am, I poured myself a bourbon and ginger ale and drifted off to sleep, as the storm continued to rage outside my bedroom window.

I awoke at quarter to ten on Saturday morning, slightly hungover, but eager to tackle the new day and reignite the Snowbliteration obliteration. I opened the blinds and was dumbfounded to see that my entire balcony had been filled in with a four-foot deep snowdrift. And it was still coming down. I went downstairs and the sight of sleeping bodies all over my living room rudely reminded me that due to all my fellow partiers being snowed in, I was now running a Holiday Inn. Fuck it, the more the merrier. After a breakfast fit for royalty and the mandatory weekly viewing of Inglourious Basterds, I set about shoveling our patio in preparation for the day's activities. The keg tap had frozen overnight so I brought it inside. It thawed just in time for me to pour my first beer at 12:02 (don't want to upset mom with any morning drinking, anyway that's strictly for Sundays).

Roughly about this time, my roommate decided it was a good idea to catch a mild morning buzz and go out drifting in his Blazer on the snow-covered streets. After pulling out of the garage, he made it roughly 15 feet before coming up against Snowdriftzilla. The once-indefatigable Blazer had finally met it's match. We proceeded to spend the next two hours of the afternoon drinking and shoveling it out. The only good thing about this debacle is that we had both a keg and riot punch close at hand.

And the snow kept coming.

After finally shoveling, pushing, pulling, and cajoling the Blazer back to her spot in the garage, the next step was logical: barbecue. We had built a powerful hunger that demanded attention. If you have never barbecued in a blizzard you are a.) not awesome and b.) missing out on some serious fun. Apparently, our neighbors had never experienced such lunacy, but back home in New England, the blizzard barbecue is a February tradition. We spared no expense in bringing this tradition to the South and showing these people how we do it. With half the development drawn to our patio by the smell of cooking meats like moths to light, we piled the food high. Barbecue chicken slathered with Sweet Baby Ray's (trademark, all rights reserved), sausages of all varieties, slider-style burgers glued together with raw egg, seasoned with every spice in the cabinet, and topped with fried onions, mushrooms, and peppers. Homemade steak fries, covered in oil and salt, hot dogs, and every chip and dip that Frito Lay makes.

This feast so excited our neighbors about the possibilities of conducting activities outside in the storm that they decided to invoke Blizzard Rules (real rules don't apply) and set up flip cup and beer pong games at the end of our street. (It would be useful to note here that our street runs into one of the main east-west thoroughfares through Arlington and that there was constant foot and vehicle traffic passing by, astounded at the audacity and resilience of our partying). Some people joined in despite the fact that we were total strangers, others looked down their noses at us; I guess the party gene is stronger in some than others. One pedestrian was particularly unamused when we offered him and his 12-year-old son cups of riot punch, and then lobbed insults and snowballs at him when he wouldn't let the kid have a drink. (Umm, sorry for partying).

At the height of this party, with 25-30 people boozing in public, throwing snowballs at passing plows, and the storm at full throttle, we decided, like Emeril, to "take it up another notch!" The keg was brought out into the street, packed into the snowbank (to maintain proper temperature), and the keg stands began. You might say, "Well, gee, isn't that illegal, all that drinking in public, disturbing the peace, inciting mayhem, and so forth?" My response to that question is threefold: 1.) blow me; 2.) yes, it is, but we were already breaking the law so it's really just water under the bridge; and 3.) our lease expressly forbids kegs and I would rather break the law than break the lease.

Plus, the Arlington County cops understood that we were operating under Blizzard Rules. After one lengthy keg stand, a cruiser that were we too distracted to see rolling up the street, slowed to stop beside our party. Without rolling down the window, the cop looked at us sternly and pointed at the guy who had just finished the stand. We all tensed, ready to run (nothing is cooler than running from the po-lice). He then broke into a wide grin, gave us the thumbs up, and gunned the Crown Vic down the road.

Around 6 pm on Saturday the snow tapered off and then stopped altogether. There were 21 inches on ground. Snowbliteration had ended, but the obliteration was still in full-swing. We took the snow ending as a cue to go inside and continue the party there. In quick succession we attacked the barbecue leftovers, smoked a good amount of herb, played a few beer pong games, and tossed the kicked keg out the back door. At this point, I blacked out.

I am told the rest of the night went swimmingly (and by that I mean complete and utter chaos ensued). I soon turned into a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragging neanderthal who leered out of half-open eyes at the scenes passing before me, like clips from a movie. I am told that I held a 45-minute animated conversation with a set of neighbors I had never met before. (I must have said something interesting since they didn't run away). Apparently, my roommate and beer pong partner (Blazer guy) viciously- and accidentally- bodyslammed our neighbor/opponent during one of the beer pongs games that I don't remember playing. Miraculously, both emerged without any broken bones/concussions/lacerations. And towards the end of the night, the handful of people remaining went through 5 cases of beer in under 2 hours.

I woke up late in the morning on Sunday, with a pounding headache and a 4-hour blank spot in my memory (so fratty). After the first wave of pain and nausea receded, this thought hit me: we spent nearly $500 on food and booze for a Super Bowl party and we finished it all before Sunday. In essence, we blew our Super Bowl party load 24 hours prematurely... and it was so worth it. I grabbed the pipe off the night stand, took a few rips to center myself, and went downstairs. I poured myself a tall mimosa and drank it quickly, to kill the hangover. Then, in a pint glass, I mixed up Southern Comfort with orange juice and grenadine, and settled into the day. What a weekend.

Update:

The Saints (Who Dat!?) made history by winning Da Super Bowl. D.C. is still a war zone. The Federal government has been closed since midday Friday. And this just in: 72 hours after we were Snowbliterated, the third major storm of the year is about to slam into the mid-Atlantic, dropping 10-20 inches by the time it's all over on Wednesday night. Seeing as I won't be going to work for the rest of the week, I'll have plenty of time to write about the impending Snowmaggedon. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Winter Olympic Drinking Games-Snowboard

In preparation for the opening of the Olympic Winter Games in just 7 short days, we are bringing you an exclusive series of event-specific drinking games to enhance your viewing experience. We are publishing one drinking game per day from now until the Games begin. Today's sport: snowboard. As described on the official Vancouver site, "Combining elements of surfing, skateboarding and skiing, snowboard- one of the fastest growing sports- is a recent addition to the Olympic Winter Games. The first official snowboard competition was held in Colorado in 1981."

Now the monster storm that is just beginning to hit the D.C. area has got me completely distracted- not to mention the riot punch is almost chilled to the proper temperature and the keg is ready to be tapped- so you'll have to forgive my lack of wittiness in this post. (Strange how a bunch of snow is distracting me from writing about a sport that takes place on snow). Either way, there's one important thing to note about the snowboard competition: there are two primary classes of events- the races and the halfpipe. In the interest of expediency (read: laziness), I just decided to mash everything into one drinking game. Therefore, some of the rules will apply to both events, while others will be event-specific.

Remember to always begin and end every drinking game with chants of "USA! USA! USA!" People will hear you, they will understand, and they will join you. And, of course, the game described in Monday's post applies throughout the entirety of the Olympics. As for me, I'm off to fire up the grill because there is nothing more badass than a barbecue in a blizzard.

The Snowboard Drinking Game:

1.) Take a drink at the beginning of every race/routine

2.) Take a shot of your choice every time a racer crashes or wipes out on the 'pipe

3.) Take a drink at the conclusion of every race/routine

4.) Take a double drink anytime you see a snowboarding montage backed by heavy metal/hard rock/thrash music

5.) Take a drink every time a snowboarder finishes their race/routine and then gestures or starts talking into the cameras (damn punk kids these days with no sense of decorum)

For the races:

6.) Take a drink every time a racer's shoulder hits one of those flag things on the parallel giant slalom course

7.) Take a drink every time somebody gets passed by another racer in snowboard cross

For halfpipe:

8.) Take a drink for every flip (if it's a double flip, drink twice, and so on)

Check out the full schedule here: http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-snowboard-schedule-results/

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Winter Olympic Drinking Games-Bobsleigh

In preparation for the opening of the Olympic Winter Games in just 8 short days, we are bringing you an exclusive series of event-specific drinking games to enhance your viewing experience. We are publishing one drinking game per day from now until the Games begin. Today's event: bobsleigh. (Yes, bobsleigh; I always thought it was bobsled, too. Boy, was I wrong). In terms of practicality, this sport falls somewhere between curling and speed skating. As described on the official Vancouver site, "In winter, using a sled to travel and have fun dates back some 700 years. The idea of racing sleds down a steep and twisting track dates back about 150 years, to the mid-19th century, when British tourists began tobogganing on the snowbound roads of the Alps."

Now this is just too easy: can't you imagine the Noble Duke of York, dressed in a waistcoat, screaming "Tallyho!" and then bombing down Mont Blanc? "Jolly good run, chaps. Perhaps next time we shall attempt not to lose the Duchess on Turn 3. Shall we retire for a spot of tea?" I think in the end, we'll have to give the Brits a mulligan on the invention of tobogganing (as a practical mode of transportation). After all, these are the same people who spawned the English language, conquered one-quarter of the world's landmass, won a couple world wars (with our help, of course), and invented the "wet lunch." They can't be all that bad. In lieu of any further attempts at witty comments on my part, I simply suggest you watch "Cool Runnings" no fewer than 5 times prior to this this event. It's John Candy at his best, R.I.P.

Remember to always begin and end every drinking game with chants of "USA! USA! USA!" People will hear you, they will understand, and they will join you. And, of course, the game described in Monday's post applies throughout the entirety of the Olympics.

The Bobsleigh Drinking Game:

1.) Start drinking when a team begins running down the starting stretch, do not stop until all team members are in the sled

2.) Finish your drink if any team member doesn't make it into the sled or if the team commits a foul on the start

3.) Take a drink whenever an announcer says something like "come/coming/comes around the bend" (drink on all types of come!)

4.) Take a drink of your choice every time a team races that is not from a "cold" country (this can be construed liberally to include any team from continental Europe)

5.) Finish your drink every time a sled crashes; take a shot as well if broken bones result

6.) Take a drink at the conclusion of every race

"Cool Runnings" Bonus Rule: Take a drink every time someone speaks in a Jamaican accent (you're welcome)

The full bobsleigh schedule: http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-bobsleigh-schedule-results/ Tallyho!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Pussy Manifesto

Always thought that dogs were better than cats? Never able to put together the cogent argument to prove it? This is your manifesto.

1.) Cats are evil. Make no mistake about it, if you were to die in a house full of cats... they WILL eat you. And if you die, they will attack you like Whitney Houston attacks cocaine: a pound a minute. They're carnivorous animals; unlike dogs who can eat just about everything, cats always need to have "meat." Their blood lust will only be satisfied when their loving owner passes away, probably while crocheting a scarf, drinking prune juice, and watching "Murder, She Wrote."

2.) How many hilarious pet tricks are done by cats? None. Can you teach them to do a trick? No. If I had a cat (which I don't) and if it were trainable (which it isn't), I would train it to do two things: to not eat me after I die and to be useful (i.e. provide me with companionship). In terms of pure YouTube value cats are a D-.

3.) Will a dog climb up on your desk and poop? Will it climb up on the sofa and do the same? How about on a windowsill? No. Will a cat do these things? You betcha. They might poop in their stupid litter box, but if the box doesn't meet their sanitation standards, you can bet your crack rocks that it will poop anywhere it can reach.

4.) Cats love to dig their claws into everything, especially your skin. They have no regard for anything sacred. $1000 oriental rug? Consider it trashed. Brand new leather sofa? Consider it pooped on and trashed.

5.) They can't swim. Ever throw a dog into the water and watch it swim? Hilarious, right? Watch them keep their heads and nothing else above water so they can reach the tennis ball? Classic. Every throw a cat into the water and watch it swim? Also hilarious. But for a completely different reason: it will sink like the freaking Lusitania. If it does swim, it's terrible at it and definitely will not be doing it to make you laugh (like a dog would).

6.) Dogs just want you to be happy; cats just want you to die. Whether you exist as their owner or not, a cat will survive. It doesn't need someone to give it attention, feed it, give it water, or give it a place to piss and shit. Again, make no mistake about it... it will eat human flesh or whatever else it can get its grubby paws on. It will poop wherever it wants. It's will behave the exact same way when you're around as when you're not. Which makes it predictable and stupid.

7.) They don't play catch. Dogs will do things to earn companionship. They are loyal friends, they will follow you into hell and back. And they are genetically predisposed to retrieve ANYTHING you throw... including cats. It's incredible and a testament to their resolve. The only thing cats are loyal about is being douche bags. They are like the loner roommate who does his own thing and doesn't really contribute to any fun in the house. But at least that roommate pays rent... don't expect the same from cats.

8.) They have that tiny fur that gets everywhere. Not even the most hairy, sheddy dog in the world sheds as much fur as a freaking cat.

9.) Dogs are playful, loyal, caring, smart, hygienic, and protective. They also can help you get laid. Dogs are a great way to meet people; dudes take their dogs to the dog park to try and pick up girls and vice versa. If you go out walking a cat to try to get laid, you're a freak and you will only attract attention to the fact that you are walking a freaking cat.

10.) They stink. They think they're the best dancers. A bunch of wide-nosed having, breathing up all the doggy air. They stink and I hate em... DOG POWER!!

And if those 10 compelling reasons were not enough, there's also scientific evidence that the Grim Reaper is masquerading as a cat in Massachusetts.

Listen, I'm not saying that if you put a cat in front of me right now that I wouldn't invite it on my lap and probably pet it. I can't stand the things. But, God help me, you put one of those little retards in front of me and its got free tickets to my lap. My point is that cats are wily and are not to be trusted. They will turn on you in a heartbeat and eat you.

The Winter Olympic Drinking Games-Curling

In preparation for the opening of the Olympic Winter Games in just 9 short days, we are bringing you an exclusive series of event-specific drinking games to enhance your viewing experience. As mentioned in Monday's post, we will publish one drinking game per day from now until the Games begin. Today's event: curling. Now this is a truly great and practical sport (unlike Dutch-inspired speed skating). As described on the official Vancouver site, "The game of curling is more than 500 years old. The earliest written record of curling- of groups of people sliding stones on frozen ponds and lochs (an arm of the sea that is similar to a fjord) in competition- are found at Scotland’s Paisley Abbey and date back to 1541."

It is little surprise that the Scots- a great and proud people- created a sport like curling. Like the stones and the ice that comprise the sport, the Scots are strong and steadfast, stoic and wise. Some people like to knock the Scots these days. Yes, they are officially submissive to the United Kingdom (following nearly 400 years of independent rule). Yes, they may not have retained much of their past glory. Yes, they may wear skirts from time to time. But, what few people realize is that the Scots were highly influential in shaping the modern world as we know it. In addition to curling, they invented golf, scotch, bagpipes, the steam engine, and went into battle with one of the biggest cannons ever cast. On top of all this, they were some of the first people to rebel against the British Crown (made famous by Mel Gibson in the movie Braveheart), thereby further promulgating the idea of self determination, which many of the world's peoples later appropriated for their own uses. All in all, the the Scots are pretty badass and so is curling.

Remember to always begin and end every drinking game with chants of "USA! USA! USA!" People will hear you, they will understand, and they will join you. And, of course, the game described in Monday's post applies throughout the entirety of the Olympics.

The Curling Drinking Game:

1.) Take a drink at the beginning of every "end" (these are like innings in baseball and there's 10 of them)

2.) Take a drink every time the rock is delivered past the hog line (when it's pitched); take another when the rock is delivered out of the hack (such poor form!)

3.) Take a drink every time the rock misses the house (the bulls-eye)

4.) Take a shot of your choice for every hog line violation

5.) Take a drink for every in-off (a shot where the delivered stone hits another stone near the outer edge of the sheet at an angle, making the shooter roll into the house; one of the most difficult curling shots, usually done as a last resort when there are no other options)

6.) Take a drink for every Wicky Wacky Woo (yes, it's a real term and it occurs when a delivered stone, either planned or unplanned, bounces off two or more stones causing it to come to rest in a very advantageous position)

7.) Take a drink for every high-five that chubby broom-toting curlers give to each other after an especially good delivery of the rock

Be sure to brush up on your curling knowledge before this event starts. The complete schedule can be found here: http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-curling-schedule-results/

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

January Tweets 2

...And the second half:

Men are more evolved than women... it's science: http://bit.ly/518YPl #putthatinyourfeministpipeandsmokeit #SFP
12:29 PM Jan 19th
Like an un-funny real-life "Blades of Glory" http://bit.ly/7VCIxy #goo #youllwantashowerafterwatchingthis
12:31 PM Jan 19th
Asians on a roller coaster: http://bit.ly/4T7wRE #becauseialreadyoffendedgaysandwomenwiththelasttwotweets #smile
12:33 PM Jan 19th
Ball boy pees on himself, delays Australian Open, and says "Drink it in, world." http://bit.ly/6mpNc7 #SFP
2:12 PM Jan 19th
Pete Bouchard is unapologetically huge: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PER0crQ8u2c #SFP #Massachusetts
4:06 PM Jan 20th
Ginger claims to have soul, public is skeptical: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY39fkmqKBM #SFP #letsbehonest they really don't.
1:40 PM Jan 21st
"It's a real disease, with medicine and doctors and stuff" http://bit.ly/8DlpCc #SFP #goo
12:26 PM Jan 22nd
Who woulda thunk it, but the Ukraine's prime minister is hot: http://su.pr/7CD9Wb
4:09 PM Jan 22nd
Rick Majerus is a filthy bastard: http://bit.ly/8XEpi9 (Courtesy of @Deadspin) Boo this man if you see GW-Saint Louis tonight #SFP
2:56 PM Jan 27th
Best. Headline. Ever. http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1931279 Thanks @CollegeHumor #SFP
2:22 PM Jan 29th
Aliens are evil. Aliens don't do drugs. Ergo: drugs are good. http://www.slate.com/id/2168471/ #PSAswithfaultylogic #SFP
2:53 PM Jan 29th

January Tweets 1

To cap a fun-filled day of bloggery I respectfully submit the first half of the NotSFP Tweets from January, so you can relive the magic all over again:

Brits drink £100 million worth of booze on NYE, set record for emergency calls, aren't sorry in the least: http://bit.ly/5HphDd Great pics!
"Primo Box" def: The entire TCU cheer and dance squad. #slampiece #SFP
10:21 AM Jan 5th
"Potato Chuckers" def: The entire Boise St. cheer and dance squad. As in, "Go back ta Idaho, ya potato chuckers." #NotCute #SFP
10:22 AM Jan 5th
"Remember: blacking out is like witness protection for your conscience." #omgfacts #TRUTH #SFP
3:10 PM Jan 5th
Brother unapologetically posts sister's blow job list on Facebook in retaliation for beer confiscation: http://bit.ly/7mKb0y Too funny! #SFP
3:51 PM Jan 5th
Ochocinco not shy- or apologetic- about his private life: http://bit.ly/6eKHLn #thingsyoudontsay #SFP
10:37 AM Jan 6th
Drunk school bus driver tells students: "Don't be such a bunch of pussies." http://bit.ly/6JbQNY #SFP
11:38 AM Jan 6th
Ex-Lion Charles Rogers ignores sobriety court order, passes out in public at 3 pm, isn't sorry... or conscious: http://bit.ly/5WsXZI #SFP
12:50 PM Jan 6th
"I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it." @Dolski28 @phila_lawyer @BroBible #SFP
12:21 PM Jan 7th
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." @TuckerMax @BroBible @phila_lawyer #SFP #basicmentality
1:58 PM Jan 8th
"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake." #unapologeticquips #SFP
2:00 PM Jan 11th
"Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years." #unapologeticquips #SFP
2:00 PM Jan 11th
"I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other." #unapologeticquips #SFP
2:01 PM Jan 11th"I am Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore, I am Perfect." #unapologeticquips #SFP
2:01 PM Jan 11th"Kentucky: 5 million people, 15 last names." #unapologeticquips #SFP
2:02 PM Jan 11thAnd last but not least: "Dyslexics have more nuf." #unapologeticquips #SFP
2:02 PM Jan 11thSorostitutes trash talk Haiti and hurricane...err, earthquake: http://bit.ly/8WgZLg #hereshopingtheygetbedbugsinthedominican #SFP
10:22 AM Jan 15th
Floor collapses at Swedish Weight Watchers clinic: http://bit.ly/76A509 #cantmakethisshitup #reallifeirony #SFP
10:27 AM Jan 15th

Spirit Airlines Wants You To Go MUFF Diving

So the latest amusing tidbit making it's way around the blogosphere this afternoon comes compliments of Spirit Airlines. In a recent website and email promotion, they invite you to take advantage of their "Many Unbelievably Fantastic Fares to Diving Destinations." This is then cleverly shortened to "MUFF to Diving Destinations." Hilarious, juvenile, sexually suggestive. All the things that make me a.) happy and b.) want to buy things. These are the kind of shenanigans that make the Internet such a wonderful place.

To top it all off, those Unbelievably Fantastic Fares? Well they weren't lying: we're talking $9 here, folks, to dozens of destinations in Florida, the Caribbean, and Central and South America. That's one hell of a deal. I suggest you take advantage of these fares quickly because they will likely sell like hotcakes. (Not to mention the fact that whoever decided it was a good idea to post something like this on their website, send out promotional emails, and Tweet about this shit is probably going to be fired before the day is out). Upper management will almost certainly not stand for this kind of tomfoolery, especially in today's overly sensitive and politically correct society.

So before it's too late, I invite you personally to MUFF to Diving Destinations. Also, let the record show that we beat Daniel Tosh to this juicy little story. Hey Tosh: MAKE A TV SHOW ABOUT THIS, BITCH!

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Winter Olympic Drinking Games-Speed Skating

In preparation for the opening of the Olympic Winter Games in just 10 short days, we are bringing you an exclusive series of event-specific drinking games to enhance your viewing experience. As mentioned in yesterday's post, we will publish one drinking game per day from now until the Games begin. Today's event: speed skating. As noted on the official Vancouver site, "Speed skating emerged on the canals of Holland as early as the 13th century- a time when iron skates on wooden soles served as a mode of transportation. Competitive racing is known to have been held in Holland as early as 1676."

Of course the Dutch would come up with something like this; in a land of windmills and wooden shoes and other such impracticalities, these people would be amused by such a silly concept as ice skating. You would think in a nation that has been repeatedly invaded and occupied over the last 800 years, some contact sports might have emerged from this war-hardened people. Like football. Or rugby. But no, being Dutch, the two most competitive sports they've spawned as a people are ice skating and smoking weed. And the most pertinent question is: which one of those two actually deserves to be an Olympic sport?

Remember to always begin and end every drinking game with chants of "USA! USA! USA!" People will hear you, they will understand, and they will join you. And, of course, the game described in yesterday's post applies throughout the entirety of the Olympics.

The Speed Skating Drinking Game:

1.) Take a drink at the beginning of every heat

2.) Take a drink at the end of every heat, take another if an American racer wins

3.) Take a shot of your choice every time a skater wipes out (to dull the pain)

4.) Take a drink every time the cameras do a close-up of that toolshed Apolo Ohno, take another every time he tugs on himself through his speed suit on worldwide television

5.) Take a drink at the completion of every lap in heats and finals; extra Bro points are awarded if you can still stand after the 10,000 meters (that's 25 laps)

Optional but recommended: 6.) Shotgun a beer at the start of each final (you start when they start)

For team pursuit (same rules as above, plus...):

7.) Take a drink every time a team member moves out of the draft position to take the lead

8.) Take a drink any time there is intimate contact among teammates during the race (hand on the ass while drafting, etc.) that would be weird in an everyday situation but is acceptable because this is speed skating, after all

Bonus: 9.) Finish your drink any time one team passes another

Speed Skating Schedule: http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-speed-skating-schedule-results/

The Winter Olympic Drinking Games

Greetings fellow un-apologists and a happy February to all. The advent of this new month signals a number of things: it is now Black History Month (yes, for the whole month, so be sure to Hug-a-Brotha). Tomorrow is National Signing Day for college football recruits (and basically the beginning of the 2010 season) and we will finally learn the destinations of the last big-time uncommitted recruits. Tomorrow is also Groundhog Day, and we will accurately and scientifically predict the remaining length of winter depending on whether Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow. Also, Valentine's Day is just around the corner and unless you want to be using a bottle of lotion and a tube sock like last year, I suggest you prepare accordingly. Most importantly, two months from today marks the official start of Miniskirt Season in our nation's capital. Alas, that is a post for another time and another mindset, and for now we must slog through the waning weeks of winter.

Yes, February carries with it many important themes and events, perhaps none more important or rare (barring the next pass of Halley's Comet) than the Olympic Winter Games. In just 11 short days the Olympic Cauldron will be lit in Vancouver, thus commencing more than 2 weeks of world-class competition. Now I, like any regular bro, am pretty pumped by the cold-weather version of the Games. Where else can you witness grown adults sliding headfirst down an ice-filled ditch at 80 miles per hour? Or some fine young piece of Swedish ass doing triple backflips off a snow ramp? Or fat, overweight, middle-aged Canadians with brooms actually competing for Olympic medals by sliding rocks down an ice track? And finally, I am certainly no fan of figure skating, but the female costumes are just so... artful.

My point is threefold: one, you get to watch sexy young women from different countries in form-fitting clothing doing unusual things; two, most cold-weather extreme sports have made the crossover to the Olympics far better than their warm-weather counterparts, thereby allowing you to watch the Winter X Games twice in one year; and three, unlike the Summer Olympics, there are certain events in the Winter Games (e.g. curling) that any beer-drinking dude like you or me could watch while sitting on his couch and say "Well shit, I could do that." To rephrase my final point, watching the Winter Games is an exercise in self-esteem building and a genuinely feel-good experience, due to the inclusion of events requiring the skill-equivalent of ping pong. (Which, come to think of it, is an Olympic sport as well).

The Olympic Winter Games have increased significantly in importance, popularity, and prestige since the first ones were held in 1924, in Chamonix, France. One could argue that the rise of television is largely responsible. For two weeks in the middle of this month, if you choose, you could do nothing but watch obscure, winter sports. (For sanity sake we do not recommend you do this). In fact, during the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games, approximately 2,500 athletes will compete in 15 sports and 86 separate medal events. This means precisely one thing: there will be plenty of opportunities for drinking games.

Being readers of this blog, you are all obviously creative and intelligent people, who have probably already formulated some of your own. That's magical. But just in case you need some help, we will be featuring a dozen different Olympic drinking games in the days leading up to the Opening Ceremonies. Each game will be specific to a certain event (e.g. figure skating, bobsled, snowboard halfpipe, etc.), except for today's game, which will apply throughout the competition. So while world-class athletes are competing for glory and country, you can be sitting at home, on your couch, thinking "Well shit, I could do that." Enjoy!

The Winter Olympic Drinking Game:

1.) Take a drink every time an announcer says Vancouver or Whistler

2.) Take a gulp every time you are invited to either "share a moment" or "get up close and personal with [insert athlete]"

3.) Take a drink every time the Olympic theme is played (i.e. the greatest song in the world)

4.) Take a shot of your choice every time an Olympic or world record is set; drink double if it's an American athlete

5.) Drink every time NBC plays a montage (photo or video); finish your drink before it ends; if you don't finish before it ends, drink another

6.) Every time Bob Costas comes on, change the channel, take a shot of Draino, and punch yourself in the face; (this and continuing to sit there and watch him are roughly equivalent)

7.) Every time an American wins a bronze medal, finish your drink

8.) Every time an American wins a silver medal, chug a Silver Bullet; if it's a relay or a team sport drink one for every team member; (you better hope we suck at hockey this year)

9.) Every time an American wins a gold medal, take a shot of Goldschlager and do 10 push-ups; same relay/team rules apply as for silver medal; (your countrymen are out there in the cold representing America, I think you can do 10 push-ups)

10.) Take a drink every time an athlete talks about "fulfilling a lifelong dream" or "the honor of representing my country;" doesn't matter if it's in victory or defeat or just a regular interview, the point is to drink