Wednesday, October 14, 2009

My Unapologetic Dog

Nothing says "sorry for partying" like a 90-pound un-neutered male canine. A multi-story beer bong, the Bud Light Grooler, and urinating off the balcony are all pretty unapologetic things, but the Joker in the deck is a chocolate lab with big ol' nuts. Our boy is packing some serious heat as is, but his balls- which he wears proudly- are really the icing on the cake... or the whipped cream on the sundae... or the cream cheese on your bagel. (I'm not sorry for any images that last sentence may have conjured).

Oscar (his name has been changed to protect his privacy) is a entirely unapologetic: how many people do you know that just strut around all day with their jewels hanging out? He was 2 years old and not "fixed" when we got him from a shelter. Seeing as he still was in full possession of his cojones, we figured by that point he had earned the right to keep them. When I was an infant and they circumcised me, nobody asked me first if it was okay if they could take my foreskin, so in a way I can identify with him. (In hindsight I'm happy they did, but that's not the point. This is about principles).

Furthermore, his testicles are a great conversation piece. A common conversation with new visitors to our house usually goes something like this:

Her: "Ohmygod! That is such a cute dog. His eyes match his coat and he's so well-behaved. And he' so big too!"
Me: "Yeah, and look at the size of his balls."
Her: "Eww, that's so gross!"

10 minutes later after the pup walks by, tail held high and proud...

Her: "Wow, those really are big balls."

You're damn right. Nothing gives me greater joy than taking Oscar to the park for his morning constitutional and experiencing the looks of surprise/horror/fascination of my fellow dog-walkers as they cast their gaze upon his regal balls. They are absolutely priceless. Adding to the spectacle, he currently is in the throes of adolescence and as a result is quite virile and, shall we say, "excitable." In other words, he loves to chase the muff around. It's beautiful (and hilarious) to watch a soccer mom hustle Muffins the poodle down the sidewalk to get away from that big-balled dog and his rude, leering owner.

In closing, if you ever have the chance to experience the joys of owning a male dog, I recommend letting him keep his nuts. People will lecture you about being an "irresponsible pet owner." Do not listen to these people. They are fascists. Instead, enjoy what it feels like to flip the bird to suburbia while telling society to kiss your ass. SFP.

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