Thursday, October 14, 2010

This Video Will Cure AIDs in Third World Countries

I just want to bottle this moment up and drink it in everytime I get sad. It's that good. Is it weird that I hate the Chargers this much? Sure. Is it weird that I was kinda rooting for Oakland here? Absolutely (Patriots have Oakland's first rounder this year, and of course its the year they decide to win two games). But, I don't care about any of that. Because the Chargers and their fans have nothing to be proud about. They are like the new Eagles, they get to the playoffs every year and then lose miserably. Except the Eagles usually make it past the first round and don't have the media sucking their dick Brett Favre style. Anyway, screw you Chargers... bunch of juicing douchebags.

Yes, this is even better than the Giant's fan crying because it included the line "go away MOM! the game's not over yet!"

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

C'Mon BRObama!

BarstoolSports - Left to right – Princess Letizia of Spain, French first lady Carla Bruni and, Michelle Obama.

So one of my favorite sites, Barstool Sports posts this picture earlier today and I couldn't be more crushed. I mean we have the best looking President since John Quincy in the office and he's strolling around with freaking Patrick Ewing, thinking everything is fine. I have seen a couple look this lopsided since Tiny and TI, he can just do wayyy better. Especially now since we have Princess Sweet Ass of Spain and honey bunches of France just wrecking it like they are. Then there is Putin just going all Paul Bunyan over everyone's ass and Silvio Berlusconi putting death curses on other world leaders. This is what Glenn Beck cries about every night. We do need to restore America to greatness and it starts with fixing up the First Lady. Now, we obviously can't just go ahead and Swan her ass, we need to just get rid of her. Ever seen the American President? Yah, she needs to not be there anymore leading the way for a smart sophisticated young woman to come in and sweep him off his feet. Someone like female-Hillary Swank. Let's get it done and bring back America.

The Gang Bang Cat Thief Strikes Austin

I mean, how rude is this? This poor, innocent girl is having a casual evening at home, getting plowed seven ways into next week and someone comes into her house, and cat nabs the shit out of her. We all know how I feel about cats, but this is weak sauce. Everybody has just gotta hide their kids, hide their wives, cause ain't nobody safe. Obviously, we got a cat nabber in Austin snatching your cats up. I bet I know who it was, too... that Canadian singer chick. This seems right up her alley, swooning preteens and annoying the crap out of the world by day, cat nabbing by night. I bet she likes cats, too. Ew.

PS... I love how she start's the post "to the guy (or guys)"... this girl is a tramp and she knows it. Love it!

PPS... Who the fuck cat nabs these days? Why would anyone look at a cat and say, "I want that for myself!"


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

People who Shouldn't Rap Showdown: Who ya Got?


Ok... so lets just pretend that Justin Bieber isn't from Canada. Let's not pretend that 'Justin' is a guys name. Let's pretend that he is a talented guy from America and not a talentless girl from Canada. I still gotta give the edge to my girl T-Sweezy. First off, its Taylor Swift. Period. Girl's been wrecking the flow since day Tear Drops on My Guitar. Second, at least her shit is original. Anyone can take music from Wu Tang and Kanye, fake an female orgasm into the mic and call it music. Game. Set. Match. Taylor.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Zombie Fungus Can Control Ants; Scientists furiously looking for Human Connection

The Guardian - The finding shows that parasitic fungi evolved the ability to control the creatures they infect in the distant past, even before the rise of the Himalayas.

The fungus, which is alive and well in forests today, latches on to carpenter ants as they cross the forest floor before returning to their nests high in the canopy.

So, this just came through the wire that a zombie fungus is controlling ants and we should all watch out. Yada Yada Yada! I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times nobody cares about zombie ants. This is not news. What is news is the potential for men to have a whole new excuse to do whatever we want! If scientists can find a human connection for this fungus, then we can be off the hook for anything.

Why are you sleeping around on me? What are you talking about woman? I didn't do that, the zombie fungus slept with the 19 year old neighbor. The zombie fungus killed that prostitute. The zombie fungus through a coup in Haiti and installed the rightful leader, Wyclef. The possibilities are endless and we should all be excited.

PS... If I have one person bitch to me about the goddamn zombie apocalypse again, I'm gonna lose it. No, it isn't real you little fruitcakes. It's not gonna happen. Even if it did, who the hell cares... they're fucking boring ass zombies. It would finally give me an excuse to take a road trip to California looking for twinkies. Then when we get there, I get to hunker down with my boy Woody at an amusement park and taking shooting practice all day then ride the rides for free. Laser show.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Great Advice is Hard to Come By

This is the classic, 'ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer' scenario. Betcha this lady didn't have gas in her car. You know, ever since we started letting women protest, peacefully assemble and speak.... its been nothing but bad news. First we let them complain, then vote, then work with us for competitive wages and now they can drive?!? Next thing you know they'd be bitching about how I can't sleep with my 19 year old slampiece neighbor.

You thought by marrying me at 22 that I'd be hanging up my cock for good? Think again sweetie. Why, you ask? To quote the great wordsmith, Sir Kid Rock, because she's half your age and twice as hot. This advice guy is just sticking up for his fellow bro. It's guy code. Because there are so few truths in this world: The Yankees will always suck, Beer is always good best cold, whiskey is meant to be ordered in five-finger increments, women shouldn't drive, and a man will always hide his bro's affairs with neighbors. 'Nuff said.

PS... "Men shouldn't write advice columns?" Sure, we shouldn't; let's just spend our time writing facts and advancing civilization, as we've done for thousands of years. Enjoy your extra-x chromosome ladies, now make me a sandwich.


Monday, August 23, 2010

SixSix's Douchebag Series: Bikers

I started writing for this wonderful site rather inconspicuously a few months ago when a couple of my random rants sent to a few friends would end up published here. Anyway, these rants have become legendary as does everything I do. Basically, I'm just trying to vent my frustrations about the world's biggest douchebags. It started with the Pussy Manifesto... the animal kingdom's douchebags. Now, its one thats near and dear to me... biker douchebags.

Bikers come in all shapes and sizes. There are the hipsters with their women's jeans rolled up casually, yet neatly above their shin. There's the casual rider. There's Lance Armonstrong who's one testicle deficit propelled him to international biking stardom. There there is the bike douche. Yes, that was purposely redundant. Because nearly all bikers you can encounter are douches. They are genetically predisposed to being totally fucking inept and dicks to everyone in their way. I think the Bike-Rider Advocate for certain mid-Atlantic metropolitan region said it best when he told me in a government meeting (and this is true) that bikers "are total pricks."

Take into account a recent encounter with two friendly bikers and sixsix. Driving down a unidentified highway in Virginia, I see two bikers hogging and entire lane of traffic. Making no effort to hug the side of the road. Moreover, this little shit stains apparently are unaware of the fact that there is an entire fucking road that runs adjacent to this very highway made just for bikes. That means no fucking cars threatening to end your chaffed-ass having life! SO GET THE FUCK ON THAT ROAD. Anyway, I breezed by them at a cool 50 mph (keeping my distance and cussing to myself about their ineptness). Sure enough, they had some choice words and gestures for me.

As luck would have it, I was pulling into to the local 7/11 to pick up my Sunday morning special (a bottle of Andre, Joose, Natty, and orange juice). They would soon be passing by, so I walked casually towards the 7/11 door and waited for them to pass and say one thing to me. Here is that exchange (edited to cut down on the swearing):
Woman Rider (about 50 years old): "Fuck you dick head, share the road asshole"
Sixsix: "Fuck me, get the fuck out of the road, this is a fucking highway, that's a fucking breakdown lane and the bike road is over there... fuck off bitch"
Male Rider (also about 50 years old): "Fucking asshole, share the road, this is the bike lane"
Sixsix: "You are fucking retarded, thats a fucking breakdown lane thats a foot and a half wide, there are no 'share the road signs' use the fucking bike lane"
Woman Rider: "Fuck you fatass" (side note: whoa! Fatass? I'm sorry, please refer to our post and my thoughts on exercise before calling me a fatass... I'm in peak physical shape... I'm a specimen of human perfection... sorry I don't need to bike when I'm hungover as shit at 10AM on a Sunday morning)
Sixsix: "You are a fucking worthless old bitch, get the fuck out of traffic and stay out of everyone's way, you piece of shit."

That's a true exchange. If I'm lying, I'm crying and I ain't shed a tear. Fucking twunts don't have a goddamn ounce brain. The best part of these miserable cum dumpsters is that natural selection will soon take over and these pieces of shit will join their flattened rat cousins on the side of the road. Anyway, I have a million of exchanges just like this between these degenerate bike riders and myself. But, its not about me. Its about their whole outlook on life. Pedestrian on a sidewalk? Get the fuck out of my way! Car on a highway? Get the fuck out of this lane, this is my fucking lane! Fellow biker? How many miles did you ride today? 25? Oh, I biked 26, no big deal. FUCK YOU!

Nevermind that they might be commuting to work on their $3000 bike with $500 worth of gear on and $350 worth of lights. Do they realize how many lapdances that can buy you? Nevermind beer? Hell, I can probably by the love of a woman with that much money? Then, you will see them driving around in their 1988 Honda Accord with a 'save the planet' sticker while their own car sucks in gasoline like a cat sucks in air before a wicked hairball. These people are the shit of the planet. They are worse than people from Jersey, worse than the french, worse than Canadians. So, next time you see someone with a piece of rubber shoved up their ass moving their legs feverishly in a non-bedroom setting, feel free to throw a stick between their spokes and be on your merry way.